The Girl Who Feared Men (SAMPLE)

Chapter 24: The Beginning

Songs:

Float on- Gwen Harris

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Ellie

I still don't know why I did it.

I have no idea why I went through the entire file from start to finish, inspected every picture, read every report, and turned every page. I also don't know why I brought the cover of the file with me to school. Just the cover, not the papers in it.

I don't know why I did any of those things but I did.

Have you ever had a day go by so incredibly fast that you almost didn't feel like you were the one truly seeing anything? You don't remember the faces you saw or the things you said and everything around you looks like a blur. It's like you breezed through the day. You were there...but not really. Almost like your body was moving without you and your mind wasn't keeping up.

That's what the days following Jessa's leave felt like. That's what today felt like.

That explains why I'm sitting on the closed lid of a toilet in a bathroom stall with no prior knowledge of how I got here. I stare mindlessly at the door separating me from the rest of the world. I can hear a few girls talking outside but I'm not paying attention to what they're saying. I don't move or speak. I just sit.

I hear the girls steps getting farther and farther away but I wait for the sound of the door swinging open and shut before I let out a breath of relief.

My eyes travel down to the ground and I stare at my backpack. My hand reaches for it and when I unzip the bag I see the cover of the beige file.

Why did I bring it with me? Was it to remind of the failure I am? Did I do it to torture myself? Why do I do things that don't make any sense? It's like my body and my mind both have plans that are not matching up and it's so frustrating. I can feel myself unwinding. I can feel the memories inside me bubbling up to the surface and it's getting harder and harder for me to suppress them. My mind has been unsettled days and it's affecting my work at school and my eating schedule. I'm just so angry and I've been angry for such a long time and I don't know what I'm so angry about but I know that my mother has something to do with it. The idea of her being released, of her being free... It's messing me up. It's all I've been able to think about. Jessa said she wouldn't be bringing my mom home but what if she changes her mind? What if she makes my mom live with us? The thought overwhelms me with so much unsettled anger that I have to regulate my breathing for a minute.

I swing the door of the stall open and I instantly regret it. I'm standing face to face with a mirror and I see what I look like for the first time today. The dark circles under my eyes make me look like I haven't slept in days which isn't true. The sleeping pills I'm taking made my nights somber and peaceful, it's the stress-filled hours I spent awake that dug the crescents under my eyes. My hair is greasy and unkept, my clothes are wrinkled, and my heavy eyelids make it almost impossible for my eyes to stay open so I close them and drag my hand across my face. I'm not okay. But I don't want to go to therapy and I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to escape. To get out of here.

A sound in the distance catches my attention.

My eyes dart in the direction of the door opening. A few girls step in, they're chatting loudly but their laughter dies down when they see me. Honestly, if I saw me right now, I wouldn't be laughing either. I grab my bag and walk around them until I'm past the washroom doors. My feet move on their own as I walk briskly through the halls. I don't pay attention to anything or anyone. My feet pick up their pace until I'm practically sprinting down the halls.

"Ellie? Where are you-" I briefly hear Coles voice but I don't stop or pay him any mind. I'm not in the mood to tackle any additional anxiety.

I don't know what I want to do but I know that I can't be at school. It's not healthy for me right now. I need to process everything about my mom first. I can't deal with two crises at the same time. Not if I want to stay sane. I head for the doors in front of the school. Once I'm outside, I feel the cool, brisk air hit my face as I run down the steps. I jog to the parking lot and find my car.