Chapter 5- Grief

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Chapter 5

It has been exactly 3 months since my dad passed away, and time has been dragging slowly ever since. Every day seems dull and endless. I have been admitted into counselling sessions by my doctor, because apparently I am depressed and not coping with grief well. I think I am doing fine!

My mum has been overly concerned about me, emphasising all her effort and attention on me probably because I am the youngest. I barely eat or sleep, and talk to no one in school. Teacher's have been calling my mum worried about my sudden anti-social face. But it is all simply because I do not care about nothing or no one in school no more.

That night my dad died I slept beside my mum, and for some strange reason I felt much more connected with her, as though it was just me and her fighting this alone. Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross spoke about the 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I haven't gone through any of those yet- I think.

My therapist and my mum are overly-concerned for me since I am showing no sign of grieving, I seem to be numb, as though I have no feelings or emotions. I am not allowed to love, or feel. Because when I do 'feel' it is restriction that I feel, restriction from Yunas, and restriction from Love.

Every week  I have been seeing my therapist, she's very calm, and has a soothing voice. A little bit too sympathetic, I mean come on I think I am fine, and have recovered from papa's death. Okay, I admit I struggle to eat food, sleep at night, I think about the grave, and death every so often, it doesn't mean that I need therapy. I am fine. I think.

Sometimes I wonder what happens when we die. According to Evalina and Ekatrina when you die you become rot underground and just decay. But I strongly refuse to believe that, I mean come on I am sure there is a purpose for us to be alive, why else would God make us?

I asked them what does religion say about life after death, why didn't our family teach us basic eternal questions. I don't want to blind follow Christianity just because my parents are Christians, and they are only Christian because their parents were. What if God expects us to search for the true religion? What if this life is just a test to see if we believe in God and his religion, because God made us, what is our purpose then? But my sisters told me to relax, not to focus on religion too much.

I think about how Yunas's mum is devoted to her religion Islam, I have no idea what they believe in, we learnt it vaguely in religious study, but I didn't understand, plus dad hated them, and by the looks of it on the news they are a bit extreme. Weird though, because Yunas's family have been so kind to me. But I guess the twins are right these deep thoughts just confuse me, and actually scare me to my very core. So let me just ignore it, for now, and focus on religion when I get older.

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