Permit me to vent a little. Do you know what the best/worst part is in trying to get better? The hell that tries to drag down and crush spirits to the point of giving up. Ever heard the phrase "expectations are resentments waiting to happen". Normally it's hard to get out of such a mindset, however, when there's actually an effort to... then it becomes clear how hard it is. It seems life is truly built on the concept of gravity, going down is easy, climbing is hard, frustrating even.
This mental place to be in where the thought of saying "f it" and being absorbed by darkness is enticing because it "hurts less" when the reality is, it doesn't. That mental place chokes and sucks joy completely from life to the point it feels better to just be a hollow shell of a being. However, it appears enticing when all efforts to be better, to be positive seems to be in vain. "What's the point?" "No one notices." "This happened because you believed in them." "You're alone" "Give up" these become major thoughts that needs to be fought off with every part and conscious effort or darkness will consume.
It's exhausting. And the fight have to be done alone. Everyone has their own life, their own problems, they're own struggles. It's honestly selfish to just burden others selfishly with personal struggles and as such, sometimes a brave face needs to be worn, as worn out as it is, a brave face needs to be worn. And all these struggles must be conquered alone. I may be wrong for such thoughts but honestly, it seems that's the best way. The way to not hurt someone or make someone feel guilty for my personal flaws. Being in the mud changes people inside and out. Thoughts, desires, people change. And the hardest thing to do is accept that the problem lies inside.
It's frustrating... But I'd like to believe there's hope.
It takes looking back with an open mind to actually see just how far down one fell. Previous chapter Nihilist can be overwhelming. Truth is though that there's no lies in the words, at least from an internal perspective. Worse part is that that's not the full extent of the fall. There's just so much more that needs fixing but until it's fixed, the desires still lies there, they're still a major part of who I am and it's exhausting.
