You Must Go On. ( Tsubaki x Kousei )

Broken Key

The steam comes off of the mugs heavily as I carry the tea back to the living room. The water is so hot that it almost burns my hands despite my hands despite me holding from the handle. The table lets out a loud thunk when I set the cups down, gently pushing one towards him. "Thanks Tsubaki." He says, taking it gratefully. How can you act like you hadn't just been crying? You are so much stronger than I am... I sit on the tattered old grey couch next to him. Everything in his apartment was some variation of dark or bland colors. I guess thats how his world is now. Without music... without her.

"So... Watari is having a game tomorrow. I was thinking of going by myself again unless some dummy who has been avoiding him would go with me." I tease him as if we were kids again. Kousei eyes me quickly before gazing hopelessly back into the steamy mug. I frown when he isn't looking, knowing that I have to be strong for him... but it's so hard. When he cries I feel like crying. I wish he could just smile... maybe I'd be able to too.

"You know that I can't do that. He's avoided me ever since..." Kousei mutters off and I'm scared he will cry again. I can hear him sigh deeply, he shakes his head and looks back up to me. "The worst part is that I don't even know what I did wrong. It's like one day he was there and the next he wasn't."

That makes me frown slightly. We were all distant for awhile! It wasn't his fault. That's just the way that it was. We all needed to figure out where we stood at the time. I recall the note in my bag... Kaori's note to me and I instantly remember why I'm here. I was going to show it too him... maybe ask him if he got one too but seeing him like this... not yet. It's too soon for that. "He just needed to figure some stuff out. I know it's been a while but I know he misses you. We all miss you."

Kousei pauses and then sighs once again. He didn't use to sigh like that, not even when his mother died. "It's so hard though... I mean I really loved her. I never even got to tell her that. I see her in everything you know? She was the only person to give my life color... she gave me music. I can't even play anymore without seeing her there." Kousei looks so... helpless. His eyes are grey and dull. It's the first time that we've talked about this... and I realize that he hasn't even said her name. He can't say her name. It's too painful.

I stand suddenly and he looks at me in confusion. "Will you stop acting like a moron!" I yell at him. "You aren't the only one that feels that way. We all loved her too! The only difference is that we made steps towards being okay again. Instead you sat here alone running from the piano. Kaori would have wanted you to play. She would have wanted you to keep going, not sit around. I guess you really didn't know. I figured she'd give you a note of all people. She obviously loved you. Kaori doesn't want you to suffer. She wants you to experience things and live your life. She wants you to have sparkly eyes and play the piano." I try desperately to get through to him. He can't keep going on like this. She never would have wanted that.

I suddenly notice my outburst and sit down meekly, grabbing my tea and chugging its boiling liquid down my throat to calm myself down. I take a deep breath in and out. "And... you better not try telling me she was the only person to give you color. Me and Watari... we were there for you. It was us for such a long time... you can't tell me that we didn't give you color." I sighed... his actions were infectious. I've never felt so... mopey. "You guys certainly gave my life color." I take another sip from the drink and look at him.

He's looking at me. He looks amazed. In awe. Confused? Maybe a little. My stupid kid brother... except so much more. "Same old gorilla Tsubaki." He says with a small laugh.

My eyes grow wide. "You... you just laughed! You laughed! I made you laugh didn't eye?!"

Kousei thinks for a second. "I guess your right after all. Maybe you guys do give my life some color. Some meaning too." He takes another sip from his drink, looking at me with a genuine smile. "Okay. I'll go with you... but only to hear him out. Maybe he will hear me out too... You said you needed to talk to me about something?" He asks, referring to my many urgent texts which resulted in me coming here in the first place.

"Oh that was nothing! I just wanted an excuse to come over cause I hadn't seen you in awhile and I wanted to ask you about Watari and I just thought that maybe if I make it seem important you will let me so I just um..." I drone on, making up an obvious lie. I can tell he isn't buying it but he doesn't push me. I can't show you yet... you aren't ready to see. If you didn't know anything she wrote to me... I don't want to break you again. I think with a sigh.

"You're so weird Tsubaki." Kosei says brushing it off. He takes our now empty cups into the kitchen, his voice picks up as he goes as to allow me to hear it from the other room. "I was surprised that you didn't push me earlier..." He noted. I can almost feel the frown in his voice, something only I could do with how long we had known each other. Anyone else would hear him as happy, fine... he was still broken...

"I felt like that wasn't what you needed. I know that you'll talk to me about it when you're ready." If you are ever ready... I think with a frown. He returns and so does my smile.

"Thanks for that. For all of it. You're still the same old Tsubaki." He says, beaming at me. But his eyes don't beam. They don't even smile. I can see it... all the color all the stars... his eyes don't have any of it. "Are you sure that you are okay though?" I ask him, concern creeping into my voice.

He thinks for a moment, the newfound sigh returning to his voice before he smiles again. This smile is weaker, it is a smile on the verge of giving up. "Of course." Liar... I think. I nod anyway, not wanting to upset him.

~

I exit the house, telling Kousei my goodbyes. I have a pit of worry in my stomach as he shuts the door despite the fact that I know I will see him tomorrow and I can just feel that... maybe something will go wrong? It's a new feeling... but it lingers. So do I, right behind the door with my fist up to knock. I listen and wait... hearing him speaking to no one. No one was there... The pit increases no longer a suspicion. Kousei was not okay... he was broken... just a little bit. A single foul note in a beautiful song...

~
Kousei's POV
"You should have told her you know." I stand against the door, staring at the blond haired girl who refuses to leave me. "She still loves you. And if you weren't caught up on me like an idiot, you'd love her too." She sits on the couch, taunting me.
"Ofcourse not. You dont know anything. You aren't here anymore. You don't even... you are just a figure of my imagination." I say, tears welling up. "Why won't you let me play? Why do you show?"
"Kousei... I'm not stopping you. I just want to play with you. You said I could live on with you but I didn't mean like this. I just wanted you to think of me from time to time... not be haunted by the thoughts of me. Tsubaki was right like always... i wish you'd listen to her for once." I cover my eyes with my hands and... shes gone. Why... why me? It isn't fair. I love her... I want her... I wish she were here...
"You need to move forward." I can hear her say it the sound ringing in my ears. I know she's trying to guide me, help me get over it but it's so hard.
The note wrinkles in my pocket and I take it out gently. The writing is smudged from years of tears. "I was going to show Tsubaki today... i wanted her to understand... but I can't. That wouldnt be fair to her. It was bad enough that she had to watch me love you. If she knew that you loved me back..." I study the curved writing... so beautiful. Her last letter...
"Tsubaki loves you." I look up and see her leaning down infront of me. "Shes waited this long. She can wait a little longer. You have to tell her okay? She will understand." All at once she fade away, soft white light covering where she was. It dissipates and shes gone.
I have to tell her... but how can I?