Better off without him

Prologue

I was a nervous wreck. I sat amongst a group of people who were more acquaintances than actual friends, but that isn't what had me so twisted. All I wanted to do was either sneak outside and hyperventilate in peace or run for the hills. Although both options were becoming more and more appealing as time ticked by, I knew in my heart of hearts that I just had to be here and see him when he arrived.

Who am I talking about you may ask?

My best friends older brother - Xavier. A guy who I have been infatuated with for the past five years. I've never actually spoken to him or met him, but I knew that I loved him.

You see, his sister, my best friend - Macy and I had been paired together for a science project during our last year in high school and the rest is history. We became sisters. She became the first person in all of my eighteen years that I could call family.

We went to a prestigious all girls school and although she was part of the 'It' crowd, she always made me feel like I was part of that crowd too. Growing up the way I did, didn't really give me the confidence to be as outgoing or be the risk taker I wanted to be. The only reason I went to such a prestigious all girls school is because I had no social life whatsoever and managed to land a full scholarship; and even then I had to do odd jobs around the school like clean up the cafeteria and mop the bathrooms everyday after school, which was a small price to pay at a school as high class as this.

I'd been raised in an orphanage almost all my life. The nuns at the orphanage told me that I was found wrapped in a hoodie at Alexandra park by an old couple who were walking their dog one evening. They picked me up, took me to Auckland hospital and 3 hours later I became the youngest orphan at St Mary's orphanage.

I was tiny for my age and hardly spoke to anyone, so even though I was surrounded by kids, no one really paid me much or any attention at all. I did sort of make one friend when I was four years old but lucky for him, he was adopted by the time we turned 6, so I receded into the shell that I built around myself. I was too small and too shy, so it was no wonder it took me another 12 years to finally make another friend.

By the time I turned 13 I was so invisible that I managed to steal my legal documents and run away from the orphanage altogether. Don't get me wrong, the sisters there all treated me fine, I just felt so out of place being the oldest and the longest resident at the orphanage that I felt the sisters needed to look after the others who were much younger and needier than I was. I found myself an abandoned car in an alleyway which I called home for the next 5 years. I lived off food stamps and worked 5 hours a day washing dishes and mopping floors at an Italian restaurant nearby. I had my mail delivered to an old lady, Mary Jo, who like me had no family, in return I cooked her meals every other night and clean her little cottage. It was at that time I landed a full scholarship at Barkley Girls High School.

I volunteered in the school kitchen to learn how to cook, which worked quite well for me cause I didn't have to talk to any of the cooks, but wash dishes, mop floors and clean stove tops. But my all time favourite thing to do was watch them cook. There wasn't anything too fancy but I got the gist of how to run a kitchen. I'd go back to the Mary Jo's every day and try frying an omelette one day, pancakes the next and bake a cake. All of which didn't go too well the first time, but after some guidance and a good telling off from Mary Jo, I managed to master more creative dishes that I'd learned at the Italian restaurant and school cafeteria.

By the time I turned 15 I was making creme brûlée, any pasta and pizza dish imaginable and of course my own famous bourbon glazed ribs and fried chicken. Mary Jo absolutely loved my cooking and I counted her as my own sister; one who happened to be trapped in the body of 78 year old woman. I was 16 when she passed away and it absolutely shattered my heart. I was brought back to square one. Scared and all alone once again. It was like I was that abandoned newborn baby left at the park all over again. So when Mrs. Nicholson paired Macy and I together for our science project 2 years after her death; I felt like I wasn't lonely anymore.

Macy is your typical blonde hair, blue eyed beauty, who at face value would make you think she was a stuck up bitch, but she wasn't. She was the most down to earth person you'd ever meet. She and I had never crossed pathways in the first four years we attended school, mainly because I had a habit of blending in with the walls. Something I've done my entire life. I think it had more to do with the fact that I'm practically a nobody. No one really paid me any notice, which was exactly how I wanted it to be; and the life that I led. But the fact of the matter is, Macy bought me out of the walls that I'd built around myself. She made me see that there was more to life than hiding in shadows trying to be invisible. She'd hang out with me when we weren't working on our project, invite me out to lunch with her and her group of friends, greet me whenever we crossed paths in the hallway and genuinely wanted to get to know me. By the end of the year, I'd met her parents Mark and Suzanne, have sleepovers and eventually we became inseparable.

When she found out that I was homeless and living in an abandoned car for almost 5 years she'd been so distraught that she helped me apply to get some housing and I ended up getting a small studio apartment in town. One where I was able to afford and still have money leftover to buy me new clothing, furniture and ingredients for me to continue my love for cooking. When we graduated we decided to stay in Auckland and attend UoA, where she lived in a dorm close to my apartment. She majored in marine biology, while I graduated with a Masters in Education and culinary. She ended up dating one of my culinary buddies who she's about to marry after 5 years of dating and I couldn't be more happy for the both of them.

Although Macy and I have practically become family, where I thought of her as my sister and her parents as my very own version of mum and dad, I'd never met Xavier.

He lived in the states with their grandparents most of his life and they visited him every holidays so we'd never crossed paths. I'd been there when they'd Skyped him, gaped at all his pictures that surround Macy's family home, heard tales about how he studied a double major in finance and law so he could one day run their family business. It was during this time that I developed a crush on Xavier. At first I'd thought nothing of him, then I'd find myself standing in front of his photos on the walls and openly gaping at his profile for too long. Hear him laughing and joking with his parents and Macy during their many Skype sessions and just his overall down to Earth personality had me hanging on to his every word. I knew then when I stood in the background and listened to the sound of his voice and the way he interacted with his family that I developed feelings towards him.

I'd never told Macy anything about how I felt about her brother, because 1) I'd never talked to him, even though I'd sat in on many of his family Skype sessions but completely out of view, of course. 2) I don't think she'd like the fact that I am crushing on her brother, even though she and her parents often comment that him and I would get along like honey on pancakes. 3) I'm not quite sure if he even knows of my existence. And 4) he is completely and utterly out of my league. I mean, I'm 22 years old and I haven't had boyfriend, held hands or kissed a boy. Hell I've never even been on a date. How pathetic is that. There is no possible way that I'd ever get a guy as good looking with a personality of gold like Xavier to even notice a nobody like me. After 10 years away Xavier has finally decided that he is ready to move back home to Auckland and run his family business.

So here I am, sitting with my right foot bouncing up down, my fingers twisted in my lap with a heart rate beating at about 120 miles per hour about to meet the man of my dreams. I'm sweating profusely and just about to run for the hills like I wanted to earlier when the front door opens and in walks a giddy Macy and right behind her is Xavier.

Tall, dark and handsome can not even describe the god that just walked through the door. I'd seen hundreds of photos of him, seen his handsome face on a computer screen, but nothing and I mean nothing, prepared me for the magnificence that is Xavier James Woods. Standing at 6'4, in a pair of dark jeans, baby blue button down shirt with an even brighter shade of baby blue eyes and a head full of midnight black hair I feel as if I'm suspended in time. Everything around me freezes, while the entire room and people fade to black as I openly stare, my heart rate beating faster than it ever has, mouth gaping open at the one and only man who's ever been able to capture my interest. It takes me a second to realise that Macy is leading him towards me, that time finally decides to catch up. I wipe the drool that I know is at the corner of mouth, hear the music in the background and voices all welcoming Xavier. In the next instant he's standing in front of me and looking down at me, Macy at his right chattering away, but I can't seem to hear a single word she's saying, until he extends his right hand in front of my face.

Please God, don't let me make a fool out of myself .