I'm suicidal but I'm not going to kill myself. I can't. It's not the right time and I'm not ready. I still have brothers and sister, cousins and grandparents, aunts and uncles, and a mom and dad and I can't do that to them. There's still plenty for me to be grateful for. I have friends and family to appreciate. But then all my friends struggle the same and their hands are tied there's no other way for them to help me but tell me that suicide is not an option. But it's a damn option. Maybe i find them talking hypocritically offensive. But it never means much when we're all just suicidal kids telling other suicidal kids that suicide isn't the answer. Talking to my family is like walking a tight rope I don't know what to say when half of them are the problem and I can't talk to the others because they're half my age. My therapist tells me she's proud. She tells me that I've conquered so much and it's made me so strong. But what it's really done is taken the price tag I though I had of and made me worthless. I feel as I could die and the only reason it would affect anyone is because I'm not here to do the dishes anymore. I'm not here to pick up the toy left in the grass or the bike left on sidewalk. I go for walks sometimes not very far but just enough to lose my mind for a second. And I come back and all the pain returns as I casually walk downstairs to my room, 2 walls cement covered with sheets, 1 wall a hanging curtain and the 4th a big box I use to hide the illegal medications I use to ease the stress but I can't tell my dad because he'll just cause a seen and it'll just be a mess. I sit there I think of what would happen if I didn't wake up. Would the dishes get done? Would those toys and bikes be put away so a "low life" kid trying to make a living who's probably in the same situation as me doesn't steal it for a few bucks? I see the things that would be different. That can't be my fault? So for now I'm just suicidal. I'm not going to kill myself. But I may not look both ways before I cross the street. I may not stay away from the dark ally behind the trees. And I may not watch who I'm around. Me being suicidal means I no longer value my life and I wish to die. It doesn't mean I'll take my life. I might just not put as much effort into living.
