Unforgivable Promises (Snarry story)

Chapter 22

Harry tried to concentrate on his Charms textbook, but the warmth of Severus against his side was too great a distraction. His move to the other side of the couch had been more instinct than reason. The older man's words told of an acceptance of what they meant to each other as friends, but Harry also suspected an underlying invitation. He knew Severus would never claim any feelings toward Harry unless he was sure they were reciprocated. Wondering just how deeply those feelings went, and not a little unsure about his own feelings, Harry finally spoke.

"Severus? I can't help but wonder," Harry said, closing his book but maintaining contact with the man. "What prompted . . ." Harry wondered what to call their current situation.

"The cream in the cupboard?" Severus suggested; Harry chuckled. Laying his own book down, the Potions Master replied, "On the surface, because we both seem to enjoy each other's company, and you have been doing a poor job of finding excuses to come see me–Gryffindors being what they are. I am merely taking pity on you by not requiring any excuse at all."

Harry had figured that much out on his own, and pressed for a better answer. "Okay, that's the surface, then. Below that?"

"Well, that's more complicated, isn't it?" Severus gazed into the fireplace, lost in thought. Harry was content to sit in silence until he spoke again. "Have you ever been completely content? I don't mean a few fleeting moments of peace garnered because you managed to forget your troubles for a while. I mean, have you ever had a time when you could look at the whole of your life and truly say you were content?" He let out a soft sigh and slipped his arm off the back of the couch, laying it across Harry's shoulders.

"I suspect you have not. I certainly cannot claim to have been, nor know if I ever will. But others can. It seems so, at least. There appears to be an entire group of people who like their lives exactly as they are." He grew silent again, his brow furrowed as if in need of the same answers as Harry. Finally, he reached over with his free hands and brushed Harry's hair away from his forehead, revealing his scar. "You've seen what Death Eaters do. You may not know details about my actions, but you know the kinds of things I've been ordered to do. That thought is, at times, terrifying. But I will never have to confess to you, because you already know my crimes." Harry rested his head against Severus's shoulder in reassurance.

"I can ask you the same question," Severus pointed out after several minutes of silence. "What prompted your move to this side of the couch?"

"You were on this side," Harry said simply, resting his hand on Severus's chest.

"That is the surface answer," Severus replied smoothly. He laid his hand atop Harry's. "And below?"

Harry took some time to collect his thoughts before answering. "A lot of what you said, I guess. But you already knew that, didn't you? You know what I've seen, what I've done. It's the worst part of my life, and it's nothing I want to share with anyone. It frustrates Ron and Hermione when I say they won't understand. But I don't want anyone to understand. Not because of me. You already do, though." Severus's hand squeezed his. "And you came back..." His voice softened and he concentrated on the feeling of the hand covering his own. As he spoke, his own thoughts became clearer. "When I first came to school, everything was so clear. Slytherins were bad; Gryffindors were good. That's all you needed to know, because people fit where they belonged. Good people did good things; bad people did bad things. But it's not always that clear. You were one of the first people to teach me that, by the way. At first it was scary. I liked knowing for sure what good and evil was. There's darkness inside me now. I don't know if it was always there, or if it's something Voldemort gave me when I was a baby. Maybe it's from this scar.

"You liked Voldemort's darkness, at first. You joined it. But you got to a point where it was too much, and you came back. I need to know people can do that. They can have darkness in them and still be good people. And I need someone who can understand that side of me.