Left & Right brain (logicality)

Code red? Part 15

I slowly walk across Thomas's living room and put my hands up to show him I won't do anything bad.

He looks up as I approach and scoots back into the corner and gives a futile attempt to breathe.

I speak softly and continue to move forward, "Thomas. Thomas hey it's okay, just me okay? I want you to take these and try to keep your attention on me, alright?" I take off my large headphones and extend my arm so he can reach them.

He unwraps a shaking arm from his legs and grabs the headphones. He slides on one side and leaves one off. He stares at me with wide eyes and tears continue to run down his face.

I let out a small sigh and sit down across from him on the floor. "Okay Thomas, you're doing great okay?" I grab my phone from my hoodie pocket and let the music play. Soft piano and cello drifts from the headphone he's not using.

I give him a small smile, "Thomas. I want you to do as I say, okay?" His breathing gets a little worse and I panic slightly before reminding myself to keep a level head. "Thomas I need you to follow the count on my hand for breathing." I hold up four fingers and watch as a flicker of recognition appears in his eyes. He breathes in and I switch it to seven fingers. He holds his breath and once seven seconds are up, I put up another finger so he'll breathe out for eight seconds.

"Good job Thomas, you're doing great." I give him praise and continue, "Now I need you to keep doing that okay? In, hold, out. Just keep going." He slowly lets his arms drop and stretches out his legs.

I give him another smile as he listens.

After a few minutes his breathing falters and he throws his hands into his hair and starts tugging as tears resume their place on his pale face.

I lunge forward and take his hands down as he struggles against me. My heart breaks just a little bit more as he starts yelling, "Please! Please let go! LET GO! DON'T TOUCH ME! GO AWAY!" He keeps struggling but I hold onto his hands since I know what damage he can do now.

I wrap my arms around his torso and start trying to break through to him, "Thomas! Thomas it's Virgil! Listen to me! Thomas I need you to just calm down!" I lose my calm and panic bleeds through, "THOMAS! BE QUIET AND CALM DOWN. IT'LL BE ALRIGHT, JUST CALM DOWN."

He's shocked and stops struggling. The headphones flew off and now sit a few feet away. I grab them and slide them over Thomas's head. His shouts have turned into whimpers and pleas, "No... no please. I'm sorry- I-I-I." He curls into himself and I just slowly rock him from side to side while trying to help, "Shh, shh. It's okay, you didn't do anything, it's not your fault. It's gonna be okay just breathe. Shh shh."

He quiets down to just little hiccups and mostly normal breathing. I rub his back and start to hum the song "You Will Be Found" a little louder than the headphones.

An hour passes. Or maybe a few minutes, but Thomas says, "Why does it have to be Joan? Why couldn't they just have like, I don't know, a weird obsession with pasta? Why cancer?"

I don't have an answer that will help so I just say, "I don't know buddy. I don't know."

Soon he drifts off to sleep and I look up to see Logan holding Patton and rubbing his back. I smile tiredly and make eye contact with Logan. He nods and murmurs something to Patton before walking over to me.

"Logan, I can't lift Thomas. For some...reasons you know and also I'm not strong enough. Can you help take him to the couch? He needs this rest."

Logan nods and takes Thomas.

I take my headphones back first and sink back to Thomas's mind after nodding to Patton.

I go back to my room and walk into the connected personal bathroom.

I toss off my bloody jacket and check the red bandages. Thomas thrashing around had taken its toll. Oh well. As long as he's okay. I take off the bandages and throw them in my tiny trash can. I avert my eyes from the other bandages in the can.

Thankfully, I don't have any blood on my shirt. I go to the cabinet and grab out my bandage rolls and wrap up my arms after cleaning the cuts. I put everything back and go to my closet.

I've run out of jackets so I grab a dark purple long sleeve that looks almost black. I quickly change clothes and avoid looking at my body. I lay back down on my bed and turn on some Dear Evan Hansen to play through my phone.

Part way through "Disappear" I fall into a dark unconsciousness. 

~

hi. 

okay so yeah it's me

I'm really obsessing over DEH 

I've given up on some things that I want as a constant but I know I can't control everything

blep

Ima go eat some food and maybe sleep

gods I need sleep

~arrivederci~