Silent But Sweet

Chapter Four - The Cigarette

TW: Anxiety attack, swearing, smoking...

The blond felt like he had been shot; he felt sick to his stomach as he sat there trembling and panting. Mind whirring with thoughts, he paled, scratching at his skin inadvertently. Evan felt like his world had been broken apart. His lungs just didn't seem to fill with air and his heart was beating out of his chest. Terror rose in his throat, threatening to choke him slowly. He fumbled for his phone and started spamming Jared with messages.

the.lorax: "Jared."

the.lorax: "Jared."

the.lorax: "Jared."

the.lorax: "Help I did something stupid."

the.lorax: "I was in the computer lab with Connor and I did a dumb thing help."

At this point, Jared read and responded to the panicked blond's messages.

kinky_and_cronchy: "Let me guess. You forgot to use protection?"

The boy reddened slightly before quickly responding.

the.lorax: "I left my notebook in the lab so there's an 80% chance Connor Murphy has my notebook. What the fuck do I do?!"

kinky_and_cronchy: "Ok. One: watch your mother fucking profanities Evan Hansen. What happened to the sweet innocent lil bean? Two: why does it matter if Teen Angst™ found your freaky smut book?"

the.lorax: "It is NOT smut! There are private things in that book, things you don't want the world to know either. Like that time you got 'high' after snorting oregano? Or that time the school had to contact you for being on PornHub during lessons?!"

Tears streamed down Evan's face as he watched the lit up screen as if it was his life support. Minutes had passed and there was still no response from his friend. Terror bubbled and boiled within him as thousands of possible scenarios raced through his head. What if Connor reads the notebook? What if he posts pictures of the pages? What if he tells the whole school about Evan's depression? About his dad? About... about how he really broke his arm? The boy's mind was spiralling out of control just as his phone brightened with a new message.

kinky_and_cronchy: "Shit, Hansen."

kinky_and_cronchy: "According to Alana, there's no sign of Connor or your notebook at school still. I can't believe you'd do something so fucking reckless. We have to find a Murphy, either one, and convince them to give you that stupid book back."

kinky_and_cronchy: "Fucking pray that they show mercy."

Guiltily, Evan ran his fingers through his blond hair, allowing tears to fall down his cheeks.

the.lorax: "I'm sorry Jared. I'm so sorry. I'll fix this, I promise."

With that, Evan powered off his phone and threw it to the side. Ugly sobs and wheezes shook his body and escaped his lips as he curled up on his bed. He angrily tugged his blue blanket around himself and cried into the fabric, wanting to scream and allow his suppressed emotions to leave him. Feelings of horror and guilt flooded him faster than he could handle; he was drowning in his own mind. Eventually, he passed out as he was, in his bed still dressed.

Meanwhile, Connor slammed his bedroom door shut, dramatically throwing his bag down at the foot of his bed. Carelessly, he opened his window, considering climbing out and having a smoke on the roof before remembering what was in his worn messenger bag. He gently opened the bag and pulled out the gorgeous blue notebook, flipping through the pages and admiring the thousands of words littering each one.

The brunet found the page that was filled with his and Evan's little interaction. He paused, pulling a pen from his bag. A smile spread across his lips as he wrote under the conversation his number and a little message asking for Evan to text him. Perhaps that was a hasty move; he shouldn't just assume the blond was his friend, especially after how he treated him in the hallway. He didn't know. He was not particularly the most experienced person when it came down to friendships.

Curiosity getting the better of him, he turned to the previous page. Connor remembered how he had seen Evan crying as he wrote on this page and he wanted to know what caused the small boy to break like that.

"Is this an invasion of his privacy? Yes. Am I a terrible person because I'm reading the mute kid's diary? Also yes, do I give a shit? Nope." Connor mumbled to himself as he read the page.

Dear Evan Hansen,

This isn't going to be a great day or week or month, and here's why: you're still alone, you're still pathetic and you're still useless. Anytime you try and reach out, you end up getting knocked down again, physically and emotionally. The world seems to have forgotten that you're still here, although even you don't know WHY you're still here. After the events of last week you've still felt like you're on a different planet to everyone else, and not in a good way. You can't even die properly, that's how shameful you are.

Would anyone care if you just... disappeared? No. So what's holding you back?

Sincerely, your n

The words were cut off meaning that was probably when the brunet approached him. Wide eyed, Connor stared at the last paragraph. He could not believe his eyes. Was this the sort of thing that went through Evan's head?! Was Evan really like him?! The boy sighed and moved to sit on his windowsill with the notebook still in his hand. His legs scrunched to his body as he curled up on the surface.

Casually, he lit a cigarette, taking an exaggerated puff from it the minute the thing was ablaze. He continued reading the blond's notebook. He knew he shouldn't but he was infatuated with the idea that someone else was just as messed up as him. The brunet wanted to see if he could spot any similar thoughts or habits between them, he wanted to see how Evan's mental health effected his behaviour and, most prominently, he wanted to prove to himself that he wasn't really alone.

Connor took another breath from his cigarette and looked towards the horizon. The sun was beginning to vanish, creating a beautifully smooth gradient from orange to blue. Some early stars were already dancing in the night sky and the positioning of the sun caused the area's surrounding trees to form a dark silhouette. Four words, positive and encouraging in nature, echoed in Connor's mind as he enjoyed the view.

You are not alone.

Word count: 1049