Not until I got older did I realize my shyness was really awkward. For one, I won't speak unless I'm spoken to. Just because I'm shy doesn't mean I'm dumb but I'm starting to believe I am. Maybe I just have two sides to me. There's the shy side and the talk you to death side.
I'm not good at making choices, I'm not the first friend you call because I don't answer and I certainly don't like affection. There's been a lot of times I gave my friends the death stare for putting their hands on me, hugging me, trying to sleep in the same beds as me. Past boyfriends been mad at me because I don't like to kiss them, I don't like holding hands and I just don't like communicating. Usually in large crowds I always feel singled out. I be feeling like somebody always after me and I'm usually correct. This is a cruel world. Every day I get phone calls and I just stare at my phone. It's gotten so bad I leave my phone on do not disturb mode. It's only 2 people I actually call to talk to. Shit even when I do call I don't know what to say. How Can I keep living life like this? Soon I'm gonna run out of friends and words. Lol.
Group projects are my all time high enemy. I usually just stand there looking dumb until somebody picks me to work with. The teachers be assigning groups too but I don't be feeling their selections. Talking in front of a class is so nerve wrecking. I know the trembles in my voice can be heard. "Just relax and be yourself, I need this A grade right now. Take your time talking, don't tumble your words, look everyone in the eyes and it will all be over soon." Prep talk yourself. I've heard imagining people in their underwear works but the sound of that makes me feel uncomfortable. Why must group projects be a thing. All people want to do is team up with their friends and the people that look good. I'm not in none of these categories. I don't think I'm ugly, I'm just not today's ideal beauty. By 2050 more than a third of America babies will be born mixed. Nobody loves their ethnic backgrounds well enough, but that's a different story.
Family functions were a thing I stopped fucking with. Imagine being stuck on a coach bus for 12 hours with a bunch of family. Ok let me rephrase that. Imagine being stuck on a coach bus for 12 hours after you hear your own family talking about you. Norbit was playing on the DVD player overhead TVs. "Look at Blesst," I heard a familiar voice say with laughter followed behind even more laughter. I thought we were cool and that was the first straw of me disliking family. I felt humiliated the whole ride. I was keeping to myself and mad at the world. I was just 10 or 11 so I couldn't speak up for myself. I was shy too. Now I don't know if it's the part a grown woman decided to crack a joke or she felt too shitty about her past mistakes she threw a child under the bus. I should've put on porn and said look, there you go. Every family function my mom did her best to supply for her kids to look nice and clean. My real dad took my shopping for this particular trip I'm talking about. I was so excited to be taking this trip until that happened. Every cookout the family had something to say. Whether it be watching me and how I talk to clocking every plate I made. Once again it was the same fucking person with plus a bit more. Why are adults so cruel? I would love to know.
But the worst part was being on a boat and not being able to run away. There we all were looking lovely for fine dining in the cruise ship. The waiter went around slowly asking everybody what they wanted from their menu. I anxiously surfed the menu for something I wanted and was easy to say because I am shy once again. When the waiter got to me I said my order and he didn't hear me so I pointed. Next thing I know I look up and 2 grown ass women are mocking me. I sat there and watched and excused myself. My mom begged for me to stay for dinner so she sat me with her at her table. Once again the same two people from the cookout incident and the same person from the bus. I always overlooked these smart ass comments because I keep peace and didn't even bother telling my mother. Rather it be playful or not, that was not acceptable. Not one bit. I forgave because God wouldn't want me to keep holding on to little petty things forever. At the end of the day I always thought well it's family. Right? I watched my family talk shit about my mom like a dog so what makes me any different?
Job interviews are so mind ticking. I hate looking people in the eyes. My heart races and I forget everything I've ever done. That's why I keep my jobs for so long because the search to find one isn't my cup of tea. I don't even like touching people so why would I sit up there and shake your hand? Why would I even give you a firm grip handshake? I do not know where your hands been and now I'm going to have to sit here for the next twenty minutes with your bacteria transferred to me. My interviews be a tumble of words and my nervousness is always sensed. Thankfully some hiring supervisors looked pass all that and saw a great worker.
My depression started from not speaking on the things that were bothering me. I soaked everything all up and couldn't let it out. I basically grew up saying the bare minimum to people and thinking low of myself because of what others thought. I didn't know what the real was like and once I got into it I didn't know how to handle it. I went from being picked on by own family to the world being picked on by total strangers. Can you guess which one hurt the most? Both. The only thing about the family taunting me is I can never go to my family and talk to them or even be around them without feeling rude as fuck. Fuck it. Just throw the towel in because family be the first ones to corrupt your mind.
