I'm the Only One She's Ever Loved

1 - 16th March 2018

I sighed heavily, biting my lip as I typed. First out of concentration, then desperation, then sheer hopelessness - all of them a blanket over me. Not protection, but instead caging me in, alone and nervous and so, so sad.

I pressed send, reading back what I'd put in my head. It wasn't perfect, but it would do. I reminded myself, harshly, that I couldn't do anything about it now, before sucking in a breath.

I just, I don't know, feel like things aren't they used to be.

Her reply was almost immediate, asking what I meant and punctuating it with just one simple question mark.

I typed back again, fingers hovering as fast as they could while my screen was still usable.

Like, I know we're talking and all, but sometimes there's things I can't tell you, and it just stings a bit because there used to be nothing that was too complicated for you to know.

I contemplated deleting it and starting over, but if I couldn't communicate it now, I never would. I felt my head crease, imagining her noticing by my side and appreciating that small detail. Well, I was concentrating.

I turned my wifi off and sighed, before continuing, a separate text.

Idk, it's stupid, it doesn't matter xxx lol wyd

I raised a brow at myself, removing the last two words. I had to be careful. Seem too flippant and you could lose her forever. The little voice cut me, a knife of honestly that hurt to really think about.

I groaned, switching the wifi back on and watching the tick fill in with her icon before I'd even blinked. This was it.

Babe. U could have come to me abt anything. Anything at all. You know better than to push me away. Why are you so scared?

I felt my face crumple, just for a second, and rubbed my face like I was  trying to erase the hurt that was probably etched all over it. I can't let people see this.

I knew she was right. I kind of growled, this whole thing was ridiculous. Why did I always do this?

We'd be fine, even chill with each other - joking, teasing, screaming 'ILY's, low-key flirting on the good days, asking the other dumb questions in attempts to make the other confess there was yet another thing they 'just don't fucking know, okay?!'

And I always ruined it. Never, once, had we gone a month without me caving in, unable to keep my mouth shut, saying something too deep or dark or about us and leading to half-fights, awkward silences, confusion, headaches and, inevitably, a reminder of the dull ache that came along with only half being able to say something.

Something so important it seemed to resonate through every smirk, every taunt, every quip, every fibre of my being. My dirty secret had become engrained just underneath my skin, niggling and wreaking frustration all over my shame-stricken body.

Love wasn't meant to be disgusting. I made us into this. I tossed her an emoji, imagined it fragmenting into a million tiny shards and soaring over my head to the recipient. They felt like shards of repulsion, ice, like even the sky was mad at me.

This might hurt her. Unless she exepected it. That's why I kind of hope she did. But I couldn't deal with this now.

Wasn't it better to be passively aggressive than say something else I didn't mean to? I mentally removed the last word of that question, and it still made sense. Both of them hurt.

A/N i'll probably add to this later??? My phone's gonna die