There we were. Her in my arms as I held onto her protectively and ran a hand through her hair affectionately. Her face was buried in my neck. Her warm breath against my skin sent shivers through my whole body.
She made me feel alive. She made me feel as if I was in power of the whole world; she did it even when it was falling apart for me. When I'm around her, my heart doesn't race when she lays her head on my chest. No. This is different. It's as if she puts fire in my body and my soul is full of excitement and passion that I want to show her in any and every way I can. She gives me this entire alternate being of myself, and this new person in me only exists when we're in our world because that's where that side of me truly belongs: with her.
I don't know how she does that. I guess it's just that I KNOW how lucky I am to have her in my presence. I'm shocked at times when she tells me that she believes we're soulmates just like I do. How could I—someone who's caused so much pain and tragedy—be able to call the one and only Karla Camila Cabello Estrabao mine?
Her soul is like a flower. It's closed off to the world when it is cold, and it dies when picked or forgotten. Sometimes it's not taken care of properly. It isn't given water or light. The water represents purity and light represents happiness and opportunity. When bloomed, it is beautiful. It is real yet unreal. It is amazing, and it has the power to calm anyone and everyone just by existing.
I never thought that my mind could create so many words and phrases for and about anybody, yet here I am, showing the world my baby. My Camz.
We haven't even been together this whole time, for we did such terrible things to each other when we were teenagers. It was over the span of MONTHS that were full of pain. We did things that would be unforgivable to most, but we made it last as long as we could. I don't know how she could be so forgiving to me. I didn't understand until we separated for a very long time.
It gave me time to think, and it gave her time to love herself and even be with somebody else. Someone who made her feel safe... Something I didn't do enough...
They didn't work out. I don't know how I feel about that. I'm thankful that she had somebody to be there for her, but at the same time, this person wasn't always there. This person would be gone for many hours a day and sometimes be gone all day. It hurt Camila.
Watching her experience even more pain was damaging to me. She'd found her way back into bad situations, and I had no idea if I could do anything about it. How could I when she'd push me away and not tell me anything unless her new girlfriend wasn't around and she needed someone to talk to?
It always made me feel so stupid. I was the cause to most of her pain. I almost killed her. I made her fall in love with me somehow, and I broke her over and over again. I didn't understand why the hell someone in their right mind would do what I did. I still don't to this day. After every time I messed up, I'd scream at myself. I'd beat walls. I'd beat myself. My fists collided into my thighs as I screamed and sobbed because I was so angry with myself for being impulsive and idiotic. I always bore the scars of my self-hate and fears of never being enough for her. I hated that she told me she was lonely when I felt as if I was dying. I hated it because it was my fault and I couldn't always be there with her.
In that time, I knew damn well I was in love with her, so why couldn't I have controlled myself? The best answer I ever found was that the pain she caused me was so overbearing for me. It was as if my scars had been ripped right back open and salt had been dumped on my exposed injuries. It was as if I wasn't even in a breathing world anymore. It was like I was losing purpose.
I couldn't even bring myself to talk about it with her. I exploded in my late lonely hours of the nights, and I made myself get up everyday so that nobody would know what was really going on.
I didn't give her all of my time like I should have, but when she wasn't mine anymore, it made me realize that she was a much bigger part of my life than either of us ever knew. It's amazing that you can only learn certain things about somebody in your life by losing them and suffering from it.
But even after all that time, we somehow found our way back to each other. It made me realize something: she didn't put up with me. She was there because she wanted us to work. Because she loves me. Camila loves me, and I love her.
We're here now. I have my babygirl back. I missed her day by day, but it's okay. My sunflower has bloomed again. My moon is back in the sky. My love is now mine.
