I'm Not Okay (I Promise) • Geetrick

50

"What about your medicine?" He asks gently, knowing where the Ativan is. I bite my lip in hesitation and after a moment, I nod.

He smiles softly, kissing my forehead before he leaves bed and returns a few minutes later with a cup of water and a couple tablets of Ativan. He hands over the pills, watching me quickly down them with the water, then sets the cup on the bedside table and crawls back in bed, pulling me close so I can sit in his lap, shaking and shuddering and trying to get that image out of my head. Trying to get Dad's words to just leave me be. Trying, desperate for peace. Some kind of peace. Of quiet from the voices in my head. From it.

Like I'll ever leave a pathetic slut like you. You deserve all of these nightmares and flashbacks. You deserve every last one of them. You deserve what Kevin did. You deserve another beating. Dad's not healing in rehab. You know he's not. How could he when he hates you so much? You're probably all he thinks about. How you killed Mom. How you made him hurt Megan. If you could have tried harder, she wouldn't have been hurt. Now you've fucked up. You screwed up so much it's so pathetic. Just like Gerard said. Pathetic, weak. If you're just going to keep looking for attention, why don't you just kill yourself already? Why don't you just die. You deserve it. You deserve to die. To burn in hell. You're a stupid pig, thinking you could ever be beautiful. Thinking you could ever be loved by anyone. You deserve the past three years all over again. You deserve to be hurt.

More tears are leaving my eyes, and it takes all my will to try to choke back my sobs and to just try to calm down, "I-I'm scared..."

"Shh, I'm here for you," Gerard whispers, "I'll never let go of you, do you understand? Nobody is gonna hurt you. Not Dad, not Kevin, not Bob. You're so amazing. I love you so much. Do you know how special you are? You're so perfect. You deserve to be healed and loved. You are beautiful, do you understand me? You're the most beautiful boy I know. I would never give you up. Never. Not for anyone. I love you."

I bury my head further into his shoulder, "Did you mean it when I said I should kill myself? Or that I'm pathetic for doing this...?"

He shakes his head, "Never, Sugar. I don't mean it. I was caught up in the moment. I'm so sorry-"

"'s okay."

There's silence for a bit. Pure silence. Nothing to disturb me. My thoughts have been put to sleep, and I feel myself getting close to following, but I'm terrified. I don't want to see Kevin or Dad or Megan. I just want to see darkness. I want nothing but the comfort of sleep. No nightmares. No flashbacks. It's terrifying. Everything is terrifying. I just want it to all go away. I want to forget about the scars across my back. I want to forget how much they itched and stung when Megan would treat them. She had to look it up on a computer at school because we don't have internet at our house and Dad gets pissed if we use up our data.

"You wanna go back to sleep, 'Trick?" Gerard asks sleepily.

I squeeze him tighter, but after a hesitant moment, I nod. I don't want to. I'm afraid. I'm so scared. My hands begin shaking again as I lay beside Gerard again, leaving his lap. He throws the blankets back over us and lays down again, hugging me close with his forehead pressed against mine and his breaths on my lips, moisturizing the sensitive skin.

His breaths taste like coffee.

"C-Can you sing to me?" I ask quietly, barely audible but he hears. I know he understands, just by the way he inhales a breath and exhales soon after.

"Okay,"

I shut my eyes as I wait, resting my terrified eyes and trying to focus on something-anything-besides Mom and Dad and Megan and Kevin. My family is in the past. It's ruined. I ruined it. I killed Mom. That hurt the other three and because of that, Dad and Kevin began beating Megan and I. All good things must come to an end.

"These are the eyes and the lies of the taken
These are their hearts but their hearts don't beat like ours
They burn 'cause they are all afraid
For every one of us, there's an army of them
But you'll never fight alone
'Cause I wanted you to know."

I look up at him in confusion, I've never heard this one before, did he write it?

"That the world is ugly
But you're beautiful to me
Well are you thinking of me now?"

Yep, this was made for me.

"These are the nights and the lights that we fade in
These are the words, but the words aren't coming out
They burn 'cause they are hard to say
For every failing sun, there's a morning after
Though, I'm empty when you go
I just wanted you to know.

"That the world is ugly
But you're beautiful to me
Are you thinking of me
Like I'm thinking of you
I would say I'm sorry, though
Though I really need to go
I just wanted you to know

"I'm thinking of you every night, every day...

"The world is ugly
But you're beautiful to me
Are you thinking of me, now..."

"Goodnight, Sugar..."