Divergent: Four's POV

Chapter 14

I hate this.
I'm monitoring the initiates' first simulations. I call in Lynn. She faces a fear of abduction. I don't pay much attention. She isn't doing very well. She's panicking and moving uncontrollably. I have to hold her down in her seat. Twenty minutes later, I call Peter in. He is in the sim for much longer. I watch him panic for fifteen minutes. I almost feel bad for him, until I remember how much I hate him. I monitor initiate after initiate. Finally, I call Tris in. I grab her shoulder to guide her in and close the door. My hand burns slightly from the touch. I turn around and she stands there, looking at the chair.
"Sit," I say. I grab her arms and push her forward. I can feel her tensing up.
"What's the simulation?" Tris asks shakily.
"Ever hear the phrase 'face your fears'? We're taking that literally. The simulation will teach you to control your emotions in the midst of a frightening situation."
She touches her forehead and tries to relax. "Do you ever administrate the aptitude tests?"
"No. I avoid Stiffs as much as possible."
"Why?" Because of Marcus.
"Do you ask me that because you think I'll actually answer?"
"Why do you say vague things if you don't want to be asked about them?"
I notice that her hair is in the way of where I need to inject her. Usually I would just ask the initiate if they could move it. I don't want to. My hand brushes against her neck and she tenses at the interaction.
"An injection?" she asks.
"We use a more advanced version of the simulation here, a different serum, no wire or electrodes for you."
"How does it work without wires?" She asks a lot of questions. It's not an Abnegation or Dauntless trait. I think her curiosity is just a part of her.
"Well, I have wires, so I can see what's going on, but for you there's a tiny transmitter in the serum that sends data to the computer." I turn her arm over and inject the serum into her neck. She winces.
For the first time all day, I decide to tell her what I am supposed to say to all of the initiates before the sim.
"The serum will go into effect in sixty seconds. This simulation is different from the aptitude test. In addition to containing the transmitter, the serum stimulates the amygdala, which is the part of the brain involved in processing negative emotions-like fear- and then induces a hallucination. The brain's electrical activity is then transmitted to our computer, which then translates your hallucination into a simulated image that I can see and monitor. I will then forward the recording to Dauntless administrators. You stay in the hallucination until you calm down- that is, lower your heart rate and control your breathing. I plant my hands on either side of her head.
"Be brave Tris," I whisper. I want to kiss her so badly. "The first time is always the hardest."
I watch her go into the simulation. She starts off in a field. In a few seconds, she is completely covered in crows. She try's to run, but she can't move her feet. She's panicking and swatting. She starts screaming for help. I want to take her out, but like many other things I want to do for her, I can't. She has a look of remembrance in her eyes. She steadies her breathing. She holds her mouth closed and breathes through her nose. She keeps breathing and tries to stand up. She relaxes her muscles. She opens her eyes. I'm in shock. She is screaming and shaking. She keeps trying to brush the crows off, but none are there. She sits up and buries her face in her knees, which are climbed to her chest.
I grab her shoulder. She swings a fist at me.
"Don't touch me!"
"It's over," I say. I try stroking her hair to calm her down but it's too awkward. She rocks back and forth and brushes imaginary feathers off her arms.
"Tris." No response. "Tris, I'm going to take you back to the dorms, okay?"
"No!" She shoots me a glare. Her face is wet with tears. "They can't see me... not like this..."
"Oh, calm down." I roll my eyes. "I'll take you out the back door."
"I don't need you to..." She is trembling. She doesn't need me to help her. I want to.
"Nonsense."
I grab her arm and help her up. I guide her out the door. It's probably best that I do this. She got out so quickly that it will make it seem like she was in longer than she was. I don't want her to end up like Edward. Neither of us say anything for a few hundred yards of walking. She yanks her arm away and stops.
"Why did you do that to me? What was the point of that, huh? I wasn't aware that when I chose Dauntless, I was signing up for weeks of torture!"
"Did you think overcoming cowardice would be easy?" I say calmly.
"That isn't overcoming cowardice! Cowardice is how you decide to be in real life, and in real life, I am not getting pecked to death by crows, Four!" She cries for a few seconds and calms herself. "I want to go home," she says quietly. I look at her. I don't sympathize her. She doesn't need or want my sympathy.
"Learning how to think in the midst of fear is a lesson that everyone, even your Stiff family, needs to learn. That's what we're trying to teach you. If you can't learn it, you'll need to get the hell out of here, because we won't want you."
"I'm trying. But I failed. I'm failing." I sigh. I wouldn't call that failing.
"How long do you think you spent in that hallucination, Tris?"
"I don't know. A half hour?"
"Three minutes. You got out three times faster than the other initiates. Whatever you are, you're not a failure." She is surprised with herself.
"Tomorrow you'll be better at this. You'll see."
"Tomorrow?" I touch her back and guide her towards the dormitory. I feel the burning sensation again.
"What was your first hallucination?" she says, glancing at me.
"It wasn't a 'what' so much as a 'who'" I shrug, remembering her "vague things" comment. " It's not important.
"And are you over that fear now?"
"Not yet." We reach the end of the hall but I don't think either of us want the conversation to end. I lean against the wall. "I may never be."
"So they don't go away?"
"Sometimes they do. And sometimes new fears replace them. But becoming fearless isn't the point. That's impossible. It's learning how to control your fear, and how to be free from it, that's the point. Anyway, your fears are rarely what they appear to be in the simulation."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, are your really afraid of crows?" I say, half smiling. "When you see one, do you run away screaming?"
"No. I guess not." She steps closer and leans against the wall, like me. I take Shauna's advice and I stop being her instructor for a moment. She tilts her head sideways, looking at me. She leans in closer. She's less than half a foot away from me. I feel like she is a forest fire. The closer she gets, the warmer I feel.
"So what am I really afraid of?" she says.
"I don't know. Only you can know."
She nods, thinking about the possibilities. I'm thinking about how close she'll let me get.
"I didn't know becoming Dauntless would be this difficult." She has a look of regret on her face. She expects me to be her instructor and yell at her, but right now, I'm just Four to her.
"It wasn't always like this, I'm told. Being Dauntless, I mean."
"What changed?"
"The leadership. The person who controls training sets the standard for Dauntless behavior. Six years ago Max and the other leaders changed the training methods to make them more competitive and more brutal, said it was supposed to test people's strength. And that changed the priorities of Dauntless as a whole. Bet you can't guess who the leaders' new protégé is." I know she knows. She's smart. She turns to look at me again. My palms are sweating.
"So if you were ranked first in your initiate class, what was Eric's rank?"
"Second."
"So he was their second choice for leadership." She nods as if reassuring herself that this was the case. "And you were their first."
"What makes you say that?"
"The way Eric was acting at dinner the first night. Jealous, even though he has what he wants." She is smarter than I thought. She straightens herself up.
"Do I look like I've been crying?"
I playfully lean in close with my eyes narrowed. "Hmm." I smile. We are so close that I would be able to feel her breath, if she was breathing, but she wasn't. "No, Tris." My expression becomes serious.
"You look tough as nails." She walks out the door, smiling. I'm smiling, too. I remember how she wasn't breathing. I agree with Lauren. I don't think she is afraid of me. Is she having similar feeling to what I have? No. Not possible. I walk back with a smile on my face, until I realize something. She was quick in her simulation. She shows strong Abnegation and Dauntless characteristics. That makes sense. The curiosity is associated with Candor and Erudite. That doesn't. All Divergent characteristics. Is it possible? God, I hope not. If it is, Tris needs to be careful.
(A/N): I hope this wasn't boring for you guys. I'm really trying. Next chapter is where Four gets drunk in front of Tris.😏