Camp Red Lake

Chapter 39 . Numb

There was no funeral. Myra and Allison told me that there were never funerals here. They would return the body of the deceased to their family. Since Croy didn't have one, his remains were buried in a nearby plot where they had unmarked graves for cadets like him. I thought this was disrespectful. Not being able to say goodbye to him was even worse, but it couldn't be helped.

Another week passed slowly. I would wake up routinely every morning, take a cold shower and go through my drills as usual. I wouldn't talk to anyone or greet anyone. I nodded for yes, shook my head for no and each night, I would trudge back to my cabin and lay on my frigid cot. I'd stare blankly up at the ceiling, clutching onto the dagger necklace that hung heavily from my neck. After a few hours, I would always manage to fall into a dreamless sleep.

I remember the day, but I don't remember how long after his death it was; I had stopped counting time. I was in the field putting away some equipment when I heard my number being called through the speakers of the main building. "Cadet 9980, report to the warden's office immediately." I stopped what I was doing with a sigh. This couldn't possibly be good. I dragged my feet all the way there. When I stepped in, I saw a familiar figure standing beside the warden, who sat in her leather chair.

"You wanted to see me Miss?" I asked the warden, my voice strained. I blamed her for everything. I blamed her for Croy's death, for allowing Violet and Scaggot to do what they pleased. I hated her; I hated her more than I could ever describe, but I couldn't allow those feelings to bleed into my words. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction. Wordlessly, she gestured with her head to the person standing beside her. For the first time, I lifted my gaze and focused on the familiar features.

"Mother..." I managed to croak out. An innocent smile framed her aged face. I shot her a cold and hate filled glare.

"Hey honey, I'm here to take you home." I didn't say anything. The warden then tapped the stack of papers she held on the desk, straightening their edges before setting them down.

"Your sentence has been carried out. Go to your quarters at once and gather your belongings. When you're ready to leave, two sergeants will escort you out of the premises." She instructed as she signed my release form.

"Yes Ma'am." I said with a slight nod before turning around and exiting her office. I made my way to the cabin and gathered my belongings. My heart thumped heavily in my chest as memories flooded my mind. I remembered everything that had happened to me during those two years, more vividly than I remembered my entire life. I had been through terrible misfortune, but also great happiness. If it wasn't for that woman, I would've never been able to meet him. For the first time in what I believed was almost a month, I finally felt something. I felt pain.

I had tried so hard not to think about him, that I had pushed myself into an apathetic, monotonous state. After I finished gathering my belongings, I made my way back from the cabin, to where my mother waited for me. I was almost there when Myra and Allison intercepted me. After Allison said her farewell, Myra hugged me tightly. Tears welled in her leaf eyes as she said her goodbye.

"I'm sorry..." she whispered. "I hope you'll forgive me someday...." I looked at her bewildered when she pulled away. Tears poured down my cheeks as she shot me one last, apologetic smile. Without another word, they waved goodbye and walked away to resume their drills. When I got to the office, two sergeants were waiting for me already, just like the warden had said.

They walked my mother and I to the large metal doors of the camp. As the doors creaked open, I shot one last glance at the place that I had called home for nearly two years. My heart cringed when I remembered the reason why I had called it home.
"Come on dear, let's go home..." Mother urged as she motioned for me to follow. I nodded and turned to follow her out.

As I was turning away, a familiar flicker of gold reflected off a shaggy, mound of hair. My eyes widened as I considered the possibility. Sensing that I was looking at him, he turned his face and shot me a farewell smile. Kyle raised his hand and waved goodbye, just as the large doors closed loudly. My face drained of its color when I realized how stupid I was to have believed he was still alive.

The car ride was long and awkward. It felt unnatural. I had nearly forgotten what it felt like to ride in a car. My mother kept blabbering on about what I had missed in the time that I'd been gone, but I couldn't care less. All I could think about was him.

When I got home, I found my room exactly the way I had left it. Apparently, my mother had gone to great lengths to hide the fact that I had been missing for more than two years and since no one in my family gave a crap about me, she didn't have to try that hard.

"You must be tired, I'll leave you alone to rest." she said as she walked me to my room, then closed the door behind her. I stared at my poster covered walls as I laid down on my bed. It was soft and unnaturally squishy. After so long, it felt odd to lay on something so soft, so I got up and laid on the floor instead. I stared at my ceiling and clutched onto the dagger that still hung from my neck. I began to wonder if it had all just been a dream, but the dagger's sharp point reassured me of my sanity. Tears rolled down my cheeks when I realized that everything that had happened was real, which meant his death...was real too.