Things are unhealthy, life is deteriorating. Parts of me have vanished into somewhere unseen. Isn't it with all of us? Whenever we think it might go well, the very next it does not. That's what life has been 'til now. Not only it never whittles the pain, it adds on more to them and they become part of our memory, for those who are able to live and a never ending pain, for those who commit suicide.
For now I know why my mother had been in the same position then - when all she saw was a chair, a fan and a long scarf because that's all it takes to let all the pain go. Not every to be 12 year old girl gets to see that situation, to experience the painted laughter before night and in the mid a blue pale face and a body hanged of whom she never thought. All the years passed by, my younger self always brought the birthday gift for her mother beforehand but it had to be the same year when she slacked and her mother passed away a day before her own birthday . 4:00 am it was when dad broke the news by waking us . And the next moment I became a child with a fairy mother . Wasn't this pain enough that life had to pre deal me with but that an another situation of me making my mother mad the previous morning took place . How angry she was! And later situations arrived to a point where her own brother blamed her once to be the reason for our mother's death. Cruelty, isn't it ? For an 11 year old girl to handel. That's what life has to offer her with. She wasn't all sad, she was devastated but the pain became more when a sudden thought appeared in her mind of not having anyone force her to exercise everyday, and scold her because she knew her father wasn't in the position to do so. A relief for her? She felt more pain as she knew it was a wrong deed to think of it. It wasn't all her fault to think like this and to think all this to be a drama. It must be a dream. I will wake up soon. These thoughts always helped her spend the night by ease but she deep down she knew she never had coloured dreams.
You see, when you don't have a mother you like to stay with your maternal grandmother if you're close enough. I was for what I thought. After the incident took place , my grandma decided to stay with us and to help. 2 months went by, it was okay , everyone was trying to get over the death but suddenly grandma started making excuses to see my uncle for she had nothing to do here unlike the place she stayed for 2 months. 6 months exactly she stayed with us. Reason why she left was because she started blaming my brother saying, 'he doesn't like to see me '. About my brother, he had a hoarse voice and was going to a mental phase called " depression " . Thus my grandma got a very good excuse to go and before she could say anything more or blame anything more my dad sent her to my uncle's. Well 12 year old silly me, didn't know what world was and how cruel the people in it are. I always thought she cared for us for she went on a note that she'd come once a month. It went for 3 months but after that a phone call was rare. And now we know if she calls, she probably would have her reasons for it. If my mother's mother was not close to us then what can I say about my mother's sisters . They are some mean selfish lady who don't know how to have their own identity.
A Gemini, fun girl I was, always trying to bring smiles on others face. But I was not what I thought myself to be. Behind these painted walls of laughter I had a dark past of sadness and loneliness which sat down in me and grew as the numbers of my age.
Maybe it's the same loneliness that has taken over my body after 5 years that now I stand on a roof cliff staring down the grounds...
