If We Exist

25.

- He doesn't consider it a dog unless it comes with a five-page birth certificate and a government stamp, Yuri said to Surimna.

- Really? I craned my neck to take him in fully, - you don't have all that and you're still a dog.

Yuri's lopsided smile was a like an electric current to the heart. The pain only soothed by Surimna's soft laughter.

- Come on, Inueh. He took a step closer to the dog and made a clicking sound which had the dog's ears standing upright, its tail wagging.

- Attack! Attack, that rascal! Inu heaved his body off the ground and whipped his head in my direction. His head, like his tail, wagged back and forth between the two of us.

- Come on-, Yuri patted his lap to grab the dog's attention, - defend your master's honour.

When the mutt moved, it was only to circle his 'master's' legs.

- No, attack! Yuri commanded. His voice was on the threshold of becoming a shout. Inu, having caught on to the order, veered to where Yuri was pointing, and before I could scramble away, charged towards me.

I toppled over like a domino. Its saliva trickled onto my face. Warm and foul, it rolled down my cheek and found its way underneath the collar of my jacket. I fought it off of me. I wiggled and shouted. Before I knew it, equal parts screams and laughter were erupting out of me. Inu huffed in my ear. His snout was centimeters away from my bruised eye. His tongue was extending and retracting, and I was laughing until my abdominal muscles caved under his weight and I plummeted back down again.

The sky sparkled, overcast by clouds equal in thickness across its vast expanse. One of Inu's paws kept scuffing up earth and decomposed leaves into my hair. The waft of pine and decaying autumn leaves grounded me. I surrendered my fear of contracting lice and buried my hands in its thick coat. The sagging folds of his cheeks confronted me.

I can't account for all the split-second decisions in my life, but this, choosing to press my lips to his wet muzzle is one of the few I still remember. I would regret it in the same instance I pulled away, but for however long it lasted it felt like peeling back the edges of infinitum.

There are certain moments in life where—if you were to squint into memory and gaze at the impressions left from that time—one feeling stands out like a crimson stroke on a white canvas. Each time I revisit this moment, my heart is both heavy and light with omniscience, of knowing everything that has transpired and that which still awaits. I look back with fresh eyes and think: So, this...this is what happiness felt like.

Yuri's face, cracked open to reveal a fish-eating grin, came into my field of vision. He heaved Inu off of me. I stayed lying there, my eyes fixed on the sky, on the point his head had vacated. The tree crowns swayed with one unison body.

- Why do we pretend he's a guard dog? I heard Yuri mutter to his sister. Whatever Surimna responded with made Yuri scoff.

- He's not. You made him fat and lazy. Papa shouldn't have built him a kennel, he's not protecting anyone anymore.

Their bickering faded over the mighty roar of the surrounding trees. The wind lashed at my body, its touch like a thousand needles to the skin. I closed my eyes and welcomed the discomfort. Many thoughts traversed my mind in that small moment suspended between bigger moments. I imagined that I sprouted roots and became one with the undergrowth. Like the leaves all around me, I wished to be drained of substance and nutrients till I decomposed to mere molecules, incorporated into the roots of the evergreens. My essence forever a part of Mother Nature's metamorphosis.

- Ru? Yuri's shadow fell over me, prompting me to squint up at him. His asymmetric eyebrows were pinched together, and perhaps because it, because of his rugged beauty, he appeared all the more handsome. My heart clenched from muscle memory.