The Protector

XVIII

As the fifth episode to my new favourite show comes to an end, the hand that isn't holding the TV remote dives into what was a full packet of popcorn that now feels empty. It then slides over the blankets in search of chocolate, only to be greeted with empty wrappers. Tearing my eyes from the screen, I see that even the pasta bowls I stole from the fridge downstairs have been eaten. I am well aware of how unhealthy my eating habits are, but I do not give a shit - I am a hungry child that isn't easily satisfied.

Scrapping all of the empty foil into the bin beside the bed, my eyes flick back to the screen as the show tune starts again. The bowls are clumsily dropped onto the side table, as a reminder to take them down later when I have some motivation to leave my cave.

Settling back into the duvet mound where my arse has moulded itself, someone starts knocking timidly, so I pause the episode to give whoever it is my attention. "Come in at your own risk." I might as well have fun if it isn't one of the lads, who normally just barge in at this point. Privacy between us means nothing these days. I have thought of locking my door a few times, but Luke has asked me not to in case of an emergency - especially when I've slept through the last two fire drills by accident though he never believes me.

Alex's ashy mop pokes around the corner, telling me everything I need to know about the situation. "Have you got a moment?" I smile, shuffling about to create space in my nest with a crunch. "Always. What can I do for you?" Small steps lead him to sit next to me, rigidly.

He doesn't manage to get words out, instead opening and closing his mouth. "What's wrong?" He's obviously worrying over something, and if it involves me, I kind of need to know in order to help. "Alex, tell me."

"I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing, we haven't spoken in a while." He won't meet my eyes, instead staring at his hands while he picks at his nails. "That's not why you're here. Tell me what's going on, otherwise I can't do anything about it."

"How did you know?" His voice is about as loud as a landing snowflake in a thick foot of the powder, and as gentle as one too. "Know what?" I turn his chin with my finger. "That I'm gay." I sit back, sighing. "You've spoken to Caleb and Lewis then?"

"They came to reassure me that I'm not alone here. They said they won't tell anyone, and that you told them. So how did you know? I definitely didn't tell you." I grab his shaking hands, holding them apart before he makes himself bleed. "Take a deep breath, I need you to breathe." His skin has drained of its natural blush, and there's a dampness accumulating.

"Hey, look at me." I hold his face in one hand, holding his wrists against my chest. "Everything is ok. I'm not going to tell anyone. And the only reason I know is because my gaydar is next generation technology." Thankfully, he chuckles between laboured breaths. "What normally helps you calm down?" His shoulders rise then fall, and I'm left to improvise.

Flattening his palms, I press them against my chest, right above my heart. "Count each beat out loud." He nods, speaking softly under his breath. It only seems to help a touch, so I quickly come up with something else that should be fun. "Don't stop counting, I want to hear you over myself." He confirms, and so I start talking over him.

"So I started reading a book I borrowed from John before the incident." I make sure to speak a bit louder than him, forcing him to be louder too. "It's one of the first fictions I've read in years. It's about a psychotic murder who is only sane when killing other serial killers. At first it's an accident, but then they find a passion for it and become known as a hero despite all of the death." By the end of the sentence, we're both close to yelling.

He's no longer hyperventilating, and is instead laughing at how stupid we sound. I release his hands, combing my fingers through his hair to detangle the sweat induced knots. "I'm sorry I outed you to the boy's, I thought you were out since it seemed obvious to me but I'm apparently the only one who figured it out. No one deserves to be out when they aren't ready." He pulls away, smiling far more jolly than before.