Living or Surviving?

Chapter 50

Hearing him talking about his parents and his past breaks my heart. I let go of his chin and hold his hands on mine.

"Then I saw you and... You are the only good thing that happened to me in this time, you made all this shit worth it. Then... I don't know why I got so insecure. All I could think of was to look back at you before it was too late, before you left me forever"

His demons are always chasing him and I hate it.

"Then I looked at my grandma... and I know she is not my grandma. You and her are my fucking gravity point, without you I'm lost. And at that point I just couldn't think of anything else, just her not being my grandma and you leaving me. Specially you leaving me"
He is really opening his heart and letting me in... I wish I could take all this insecurities and toxic thoughts out of his mind forever.

"But Mason, you know we love you, you know that. I won't leave you, Mace, you have to know that" I feel my eyes watering when a tear scapes his eye and I capture it with my thumb.

"I fucking know, Jess, but I still have to heal. I have a long way to recover from myself" he is tensing again.

"Why did you cancel your plans?"

"What plans?"

"You said you had plans to go out"

"I just wanted to push you away and go get drunk, just like I did back in the old times" his honesty hits me.

"Why?"

"To escape. To escape from it all"

"I thought we found our own way to escape. Talking about stuff and supporting each other" this thought scales my mouth.

"I am so sorry, Jess, it was all too much for me"

"You know, there are some things you are keeping to yourself and that can be dangerous. You found out that your father, a man that made you go through hell, is not your real father. With that discovering came the fact that your grandma, the only person you have ever loved, is not your real grandma. Then we come back together but leave in different cities, and you also end a chapter of your life which is college ... it is all too much for anyone to handle. I know it is hard for you to talk about this with me... but maybe you should get help, profesional help" This is something I've thought about many times, he deals with a lot of stuff, he doesn't have to do this on his own.

"What? Do you think I'm crazy or something?" He looks confused, but doesn't let go of my hands.

"Getting profesional help doesn't make you crazy, it will help you heal. Please try it, and if you hate you can just drop it"

"I don't know..." he hesitates.

"Please, Mace, think about it. This life that you are living is not healthy. You only know how to grow toxic relationships, with people and with alcohol, push everyone who makes you happy away" he looks down at his knees, his eyes reflecting sadness.

"This shit is too much, everything is too much" he beats the wheel with both hands, which makes me jump on my seat.

"I'm so sorry that this is happening to you, I wish I could take all the pain away. But I can't, that is on you. I can't do anything for you if you keep pushing me away"

"I'm so sorry, you know I fucking am, but this shit is too much for me to take" he looks at my eyes, in hope of empathy and forgiveness.

"I know, you'll be fine one day, I promise you" I rest my hand on his leg and he leans over to kiss me. I move away and leave some space between us "please, drive me to the airport" I whisper.

I feel my heart breaking when his eyes get full of tears. I love him so much, but he still needs to heal and grow on his own before being on a relationship, and so do I.
I want to leave him space and time to figure himself out, I don't want to be a stone on his way.

We drive to the airport in complete silence. I wonder what's going on inside his mind, all the toxic and self destructing thoughts that might be flowing inside of it... I wish I could take them away from him.

When we arrive at our destination, he pulls over in the parking lot, ready to get out of the car. I reach for his arm to stop him.
"It's fine, I'll go" I say and his eyes become even darker.

"Okay"

"Bye, Mason, I love you" I say and try to open the door, but he stops me.

"Why did you say that?" his tone is harsh.

"Say what?"

"That you love me" he doesn't move his hand from my arm, holding it slowly.

"Because I do"

"I don't understand. Didn't you just fucking break up with me?" He looks genuinely frustrated.

"It's not that I broke up with you, Mason. I just feel like you need some time to figure stuff out. I don't want you to feel lonely, and I want you to know that I will always be here for you, anytime you need me. But maybe being on a relationship is not the best thing for us" I try to explain it, but this is as hard for me as it is for him.

He shakes his head and closes his eyes in frustration.
"How in this fucking world do you think that not being with you can be better for me, Jessica?! You are everything to me!"

My eyes start to water "I'm so sorry Mace, but this will be good. Please remain my friend, until we can be together again" I lean over and kiss him quickly.

I open the car door as soon as I can and pretty much run away from the car.
I know he doesn't understand this, I don't understand it either, but I somehow know this is the best thing for us to do right now.

🔸🔸🔸🔸🔸🔸🔸🔸🔸🔸🔸🔸🔸🔸🔸
Hey guys!
If you have made it to this chapter... thank you!
Writing this book has been a great journey, and I really hope you are enjoying reading the story as much as I enjoy writing it.

Please don't forget to comment your thoughts, and I am looking forward to posting the next chapter!

Much love💖