Living or Surviving?

Chapter 12

After seeing Mason some days ago my mind keeps going back to that moment more often than I'd like.

It was lovely... he was very sweet and nice, just like he is when he doesn't lose his mind.

I don't know why I miss him so much... but I certainly do.
I just want to find him at home when I come back from class, I want to see his sleepy face walking into the kitchen to make some coffee in the morning, I want to turn off my alarm fast so that he doesn't wake up and I can stare at his peaceful face asleep... I miss him.

But I know it won't work... I know we fight a lot, I know I hurt him and he hurts me over and over again... I just know.

So I really hope that we can do what we did the other day: go out for dinner as 'friends' and be there for each other. That is the least we can do after all we have been through.

Being realistic, I know we will never be 'friends' because we have feelings for each other, but we can be something close to that; something that allows us to spend time together without crossing the line and going any further.

I try to stop my thoughts and head to work.

As I walk inside the editorial office, Margaret's secretary tells me my boss has planned an important meeting for tomorrow at five.

I ask her if she knows what the meeting is about, but she can't tell me anything.
Instead, she hands me a folder with a couple articles I have to edit and advices me to relax and wait until tomorrow.

I wonder what Margaret wants to tell me... I have been working a lot recently and she keeps telling me that I am on the right path, so I don't think she is going to fire me.

I grab the folder that contains the articles I have to edit and head to Danny's office.

He is in Washington covering an important politic event for the entire week, so I'll have this office for myself.

It's very nice to have him around because he is constantly teaching me things, but I guess that being without him is a great challenge to see how well I can do my work on my own, without any help.

I focus on the editing I need to do and finish everything by 7pm.

I hand Margaret's secretary the articles and, after asking her if there's something left to do, I head to the subway.

When I find a seat in the crowded space, I check my phone and I find a text from David.

'Hey, Jessica! There is a big vintage market this weekend in Chicago, and I'm going to see if I can find something interesting for the shop.
I was wondering if we could go for a coffee or something'

I am very surprised that he's texted me because I haven't hear from him in weeks, I thought he didn't have my number anymore, but I'm glad he texted md, it is very nice to spend time with him.

I always liked him; he is very sweet and positive, but we got a bit distant when he gave me his very honest opinion about Mason.

Anyways, I think it is high time I leave that behind and we hang out together again.

I text him back and we agree to see each other on Sunday, which is the day after tomorrow.

When I make it home and I finish eating dinner, someone knocks on my door.

When I open it, I find Lilly standing there with her eyes full of tears, holding her phone on her hand.

"Hey... is everything okay?" I ask, but before she can say anything, she breaks into tears.

I take a step towards her and lean over to hug her.

"Shhh it's okay, come in"

She comes inside and sits on the couch.

"What happened?" I ask sitting next to her.

"Aiden" she says sniffling "he says he doesn't want to do long distance anymore and wants to have a break to think about us"
The tears fall down her cheeks.

"Oh no... That's so bad I am really sorry"

"I can't believe he is doing this to me, Jess. We have been together since forever... I don't understand it. He is probably seeing someone else behind my back" her voice changes from sad to mad.

"No he is not! Don't think that, Lilly.
Maybe he just needs a little time off to be able to appreciate what he has. Look, I am not a big fan of this type of things, but you need to understand that this is not your fault, and if he is seeing someone else, that's not because of you. There's nothing wrong with you, it's all wrong with him" I say trying to make her feel better, but tears keep falling from her eyes.

"But I love him, Jess. He has always been good to me.
When Brooke talks about that dumb ass of his ex boyfriend, I always think of how lucky I am... and now look... I am such a fool" her hands shake in frustration and my heart breaks.

"No you are not a fool Lilly.  Listen, you need to calm down, this is not a final decision, it is just a break.
Just think that if you and Aiden are meant to be together, you will be, no matter how hard it is.
And if you are not meant to be, then you will be thankful that this is happening"

"Do you feel like that about Mason?" her crying decreases when she looks at me to make the question.

"What?" I ask disconcerted.

"Yeah, are you taking it easy because you think things will work their way out? Does it really help?" I don't find a pinch of judgment or sarcasm in her question, it feels very honest and innocent.

"Mason and I broke up, we are not taking a break, we are over. It is something different because I still love him and I know he still loves me, but we cannot be together because we hurt each other too much"

"Do you think you can ever come back with him?" I can see curiosity in her eyes.

"Honestly... I don't know. I mean, I do want to be with him. A lot. But I know that things won't work out... we've tried many times and it just never worked.
I want to have in my life, but it doesn't have to be in a romantic way" I try to explain her but it's difficult because I am still trying to figure things out myself.

"I want to have Aiden too" she says and her eyes get full of tears again "I wish he clears his mind quickly"

She lies down, resting her head on my lap.

We talk for a bit longer until she is more relaxed.

"Jess, do you mind if I sleep here tonight? I don't want to be alone right now..."

"Of course!"

I lend her a pair of pajamas and when it's getting late we go to bed.

I feel very sorry for her, she is very sensitive and this must be very hard for her, as it is for everyone.

I hope he doesn't play with her feelings and they talk and make a firm decision about their relationship, and I really hope she stops comparing her situation to mine, because the relationship Mason and I had was way too complicated to even be compared.