Breaking The Mirror [Edited And Complete]

Past Loves and New Realizations

"I could do that for you..." He looks at me and blinks, "The dishes, I mean, sir."

"Please, Jayden, you're a guest," He laughs it off and puts the dishes into the sink. I feel terribly uncomfortable not having any work to do. "So, Jayden, do you think your dad will be home now? If not, you can always just stay for a while longer."

"He'll be there, sir," I reply softly and he nods, wiping his hands on a dishrag to dry them.

"So do you want to hang out here a while longer, Jayden, or are you eager to go back home?" The way he asks the question is...knowing. I don't like that. The way he's looking at me...he thinks he knows what's going on, and he's probably right. But I won't let him know that.

"I'd like to go home, sir," I respond, just to spite him and that perceptive look of his, "My dad will be worried sick."

Yeah, right. He'll be more disappointed that I came back.

Surprise flits across his face, "Oh?"

"Yes, sir," I tell him quietly and he nods.

"Of course, Jayden, just let me get my keys," He says.

Great.

A car again.

-

"Where the fuck were you?" Seaton snarls at me as I come back, at around nine in the morning, to the apartment. He's smoking again. He'd better not get fucking lung cancer or I'll kill him.

"Sleepover," I say, echoing his excuse to Linda and Suki that one day.

"Oh, right, 'cause your dad would let you," He snaps at me, tapping his cigarette on the trashcan so that some of the ash falls into its depths. "You're a fucking liar."

You're right, I think.

"You're right," I say and then shake my head. Wait a fucking second! I never say what I think! NEVER! And I'm not going to effing start now because I happen to like Seaton.

I freeze.

Seaton says something but I don't hear it.

No.

No.

I did not just think that. Like!? Like? I do no such th...

Oh fuck.

I hurry into the apartment without looking back.

-

That night, in my bed, I burry myself under the covers. I pushed these thoughts aside for long enough to clean up the beer bottles and cigarette remains, do the dishes and mop up a spilled beer on the floor. But now, I think I've got to go through this. Suppressing emotions, while alright on the outside, can drive you crazy on the inside. Not acknowledging such a feeling was bad, but not showing it to anyone else was okay.

Good even.

So, Seaton. He's been here for three months? Three and a half? I don't even know him. I can't fucking like him. I think I've already mentioned this, but liking leads to loving and I won't fall for that again. Besides, love unreturned is meaningless. Just another feeling to toss aside. So therefore, I can't love him because he won't ever love me back.

See, how easy was that? I simply refuse to love him.

Wait, how did I get to 'love'. I was talking about like, not love. Stupid train of thought led me to it, I'm sure. I don't like Seaton. Sure, maybe I am gay. Who cares? I don't like Seaton. I didn't enjoy his hands on my skin. My heart doesn't skip a beat when he smiles at me. I don't think his mordant personality is endearing. I don't like the way he stares at me with those dark, intense eyes or how he always throws away his cigarette and match in the trash can or how he cares for people even if he doesn't show it.