Chances for a Bitter Writer (First Chance)

Chance (3)

Ayoko lang na makadagdag pa sa mga isipin niya.

"No. It's hard to miss someone you never knew," sabi ko.

"I'm sorry, hindi dapat natin sila pinag-uusapan."

"It's fine. Its just that, I don't know what to answer. Maliligo na lang muna ako. Go to sleep na. I'm fine. I just want to be alone right now."

Malungkot na humiga si Mirah habang tinitingnan ang bawat kilos ko.

"Don't think too much. I'm not mad at you or anything. Thank you for being there, Mirah. I owe you a lot."

She smiled. Dumiretso na ako sa banyo para magbabad sa maligamgam na tubig. I need to relax my mind and my body.

Bigla kong naalala ang sinabi ni Cortes sa'kin noon. Madalas akong sunduin ng mga magulang ko sa school at ipapasyal nila ako kung saan-saan. But the memory fades as time goes by. The mother he was telling me was just an unknown illusion of my past.

I never got friends, because they all have mothers and fathers. I don't want to hear questions where even Cortes can't answer for me. I don't want to face those judgmental people around me. I was afraid to admit that I am alone. That's why I isolated myself in the public.

I saw a kid under the tree. He was so tiny and cute. He looked like a girl because of his thin lips and long eyelashes. I went up to him to ask his name. Mommy will be proud of me if she knew that I'm having a new friend besides Mirah. I stared at him, not knowing how to wake him up until he opened one of his eyes and lifted up my skirt. Mommy told me that it's bad if a guy sees my panties. I was embarrassed because of my mickey mouse panties so, I threw my apple at him and run as fast as I could while crying.

Nang imulat ko ang mga mata ko ay nakita ko si Mirah na hawak ang kamay ko. Hindi na niya napigilang mapaluha. Bago pa man ako magsalita at magtanong kung anong nangyari ay bigla na lang niyang sinakop ng kamay niya ang buong mukha ko.

"I told you not to do that!" Sermon niya sakin habang madiing pinipisil ang aking pisngi.

"Do what?"

Niyakap niya ako ulit at nagtanong, "How are you feeling?"

"What happened?"

"Magbababad-babad ka sa bathtub tapos ako ang tatanugnin mo ng ganyan? You almost drowned!"

Naalala ko na nananaginip pala ako tungkol sa isang bata which more likely my childhood memory.

"My God Carlee Beth, what do you want me to do? Halos patayin mo na rin –"

"Jeez cousin, you're voice is too loud. I can even hear it outside," singit ni Rio na biglaan din ang pasok sa loob ng kwarto.

"Hey," bati nito sa'kin.

"It's Carlee for you, not hey," pagtataray ko naman.

Umiwas agad ako nang tingin sa kanya nang maalala ang sinabi niya kanina na binato ko siya ng apple. It makes sense now. He's a pervert ever since. So, no wonder why he is like this now.

"Okay, Carlee. How are you feeling? Mirah was frantically jumping all over this room and crying and talking to herself."

"Kung hindi pa ako kinutuban ay hindi pa namin malalaman ang nangyari sa'yo."

"Alam ba ni Cortes at Shayla ang nangyari?" Nnag-aalala kong tanong.

Umiling si Mirah. "Hindi na namin ipinaalam. Ayokong mag-alala si papa at isa pa baka hindi ka pasamahin ni Tita sa bakasyon. I know you need this break."

"And she also need a break from your voice," sabat ulit ni Rio na nakaupo na sa gilid ng kama ko.

Marahan akong sumandal sa headboard ng kama. Inalalayan naman nila akong dalawa.

"By the way, paano ako nakapunta rito sa kama?"

Napansin ko ang paglunok ni Mirah ng laway kasabay ng pagtingin nito kay Rio. Dahan-dahan akong humarap kay Rio habang iniisip ang mga sinabi nito kanina.

"Wait. Tinakpan naman kita ng towel bago ka niya buhatin. Hindi kita kaya, you know that. Ako rin naman ang nagbihis sa'yo," mabilis na pagpapaliwanag ni Mirah.

Nakahinga ako nang maluwag sa sinabi niya habang hindi na naman napigilan ni Rio ang magsalita.

"Besides, there's nothing much to see," dugtong niya.

Nagpantig ang tenga ko sa narinig ko at pinaghahampas ko siya ng unan.

"Get out! Get out you pervert!"

Ngumisi lang ito at muli akong kinindatan bago tuluyang lumabas at isinara ang pinto ng kwarto ko.

If he was still the same child I was dealing before, I don't think I'd still want to remember how he tried to ruin my childhood days.

Cortes knew that I'm not good in dealing with people because they don't care who you really are. Its either you are beneficial to them or you're just a familiar stranger without a name.

Just like being a writer from other publishing company, publishers do not care how good, how creative or realistic ones work is. If they couldn't give them the satisfaction in sales, they won't be noticed. At least, Cortes is different.

But writing is my life. I've been writing since I could remember. I can't let my life to break apart. I was left with nothing. I was left in a freezing hollow with my memories somewhere I can't reach. It was all I've got. It was all I have to treasure.