to all the boys I've loved

Water

     I never loved you, but I told you that I did. I guess that's why I feel obligated to include you. 

     The ocean is two-faced; there is a serene calm that surrounds you and gives you this power. During this time you may float along the chest of the water, as if he is holding you up while floating as well. However, there is his other face. With wicked waves that pull you under, giving you brief seconds to breathe just before he wraps his arms around you and drags you back under. Beautiful things have floated and beautiful things have sunk; take boats for example. 

     You weren't a mistake, but what I did was. I can't take back my actions that happened that night and I can't take back the three words I told you over and over again as a way to save what we had. You're the kind of ocean that is warm and inviting and your smile is as breathtaking as the beaches in Maui. Your eyes reflect the color of the water as well and I think that's also why I'm writing this. A beauty like yours shouldn't be taken lightly and I truly hope you find someone who loves you the way you should be loved. 

     I always knew you were a blessing to me. Maybe it was because you went to church 3 times a week or because you prayed before every meal. Maybe it was because I never heard a swear come from your mouth or because you reminded me what goals look like. Maybe because for those 2 months I didn't feel my usual cravings for drugs. But what I did crave was something you couldn't give to me and I was wrong for ever putting you into the situation I did. Sex was never on the table for us, but when the first time a guy ever tells you he loves you is after putting his unmentionables in you, you start to believe that that is it. That's love. You wouldn't sleep with me. I can't blame you for my insecurities. I can't blame you for my lack of self-love. To think I believed love was in some older boys sheets and not in your un-judging arms. 

     I couldn't be the girl you went to church with and I couldn't be the girl that your parents loved. I felt low the second I walked into your home and it partially has something to do with them but it mainly has everything to do with me. No one will ever live up to their expectations, and for that I'm extremely sorry. I'm sorry your mother will never trust a girl with her baby boy. I'm sorry for proving them right time and time again.  The good christian boy with insanely beautiful features and a drive so powerful you could intimidate anyone on that football field. I watched you pray before every game. I wanted you to be the one. The idea of loving you and getting that love back is something I never got to experience but she did. 

     You seemed so happy with her and I'm glad she could bring that smile to your face. I know time has done it's work on us and it will continue to. I don't know what is going on inside of you but I hope your happy. With every single fiber in my body I hope you're happy. I used to think you were trying to drown me with your unrealistic expectations but thats not the case at all. You were drowning. I know this now. You can correct me if I'm wrong. 

     You were drowning and trying to grab anything that could float. I just happened to go down with you. 

     If the expectations of your parents could tear me in two and have me self-doubting ever single word I said and every move I made, I can't image how that hurts you. I know they love you. I know you'll heal from every horrible thing that has happened. You have to heal. We all do.