My Life

Day 1- Get To Know Me

Merry late Christmas! I know it happened like two days ago but still.. anyways i got some cool bluetooth headphones and a letter to hogwarts! Well this is about today so lets get going! T oday i realized that.. im in love with my best friend. I need help or advice with this but have no one to talk to about it because she is a girl and so am i but my family hates anyone that isnt straight and im bi but havent come out yet.. im scared. I am also very deppressed. My parents are divorced, i have no one at all who loves me, i have no support from anyone, im fat, ugly, bitchy, i literally have one friend and she probably hates me, my life is crashing into pieces, i hate my self and body, and i honestly want to just sleep... forever. Its going okay for me i guess with me hiding all of my emotions except happy so no one will worry about me. I hate it when people worry because i dont need anyones pity so why try and get it. i feel like i cant be good enough no matter what and the whole wide world is against me. i have never dated anyone before and no one will ever want to date me. ive tried so hard to be good enough i didnt eat for two days until i got sick and was forced to eat by my best friend who realized i wasnt eating lunch for two days straight. i dont know why she did that. if i died everyone would be happy including me. i wont kill myself though because it would be selfish of me. i would rather just feel pain everyday like torture and no i dont cut, i mean mental pain, sadness to be exact. or rather hurt and heartbreak. i try so hard everyday not to cry at all but sometimes it doesnt work. i push myself to the limits and i end up ripping my self apart i the process. i feel as if the more i try to protect everyone around me from depression and the more it backfires. even though i try so hard to make them happy but it never works wich makes me unhappy. i love to see people smile. i love seing happy people because if they are happy im happy. if someone is sad i think of it as my fault. thats why my dream is to become a surgeon someday. i will save everyone and see there happy faces and i will punish myself for the ones i lose in the battle between life and death. i walk down this road but surprisingly enough its not empty, in fact is full of people but you dont notice them because they are dark shadows you cant really reach out to, but once in a blue moon you see a person and i mean a real living breathing human you can talk to and reach out to but you soon realize that they are gone too fast or are to far away to touch or talk to. i havent found a person that has ever been close or slow enough to stop and feel and talk to but i hope to someday. hope. what is hope anyway? something people "feel" or use as a motivater? you know what? i dont have "hope" i have acctual feelings and they are despair and sadness and... i cant describe it but its the feeling that is keeping me going day to day and making me push harder and telling me that someday good things will happen to you. i dont have a name for this feeling but ill call it.... huh ha well i guess ill call it hope. if i have hope then why do i feel sadness and despair? thats the question of the day but no one has answers now do they? well im used to being forgotten and not cared about or people being confused when i tell them how i feel. i want peopple to know that i care in a way that will last forever but i havent found that yet but mabye i will someday and i look forward to that discovery. i hope that one day all will be right with the world but for now.. im fine with what i have. im not jealous or complaing im just ranting. i dont need the world to be happy. i dont need a lover to be happy. i dont need happiness to be happy.. well mabye i do, but we cant all have what we want can we? i only need to know that you are happy and well to be well okay and at peace with my mind i that moment in time. im fine. im fine. im fine. huh, those words start to lose their meaning the more you say it dont they? im fine im fine im fine im fine im fine im fine im fine. am i fine? i wonder..... what does the world have to offer for someone like me? love? peace? death? happiness...? mabye but i guess we have to sit back and watch the show even though you guys will be the ones sitting back and watching me play the hardest game ever created, that game is called life...