Beyond The Stars, Beneath The Scars

Two

As soon as I was back on school, I was greeted by those that who know me with some sort of welcoming back party on our classroom. My classmates even opted to throw some sort of surprise (which didn't really surprise me). Those colorful confetti didn't really appease my dark self, but made me glad somehow. They're like all staring at me while checking me out. As if the questioning would be avoided.

"Ayos ka na?"

"Nalunod ka daw?"

"May tumulak ba sayo o sadyang nagpakalunod ka lang?"

"Buti naman may nagligtas sayo."

"Sarap daw ng tulog mo ah, buti gumising ka pa, Aidan."

I grinned as I chuckled from Kael's comment. Walanghiya talaga 'to kahit kailan. "Gago." I spat jokingly.

They all huddled up as soon as I was in the middle of the room and handed me some post-it notes, which I guess contained 'glad to have you back' greetings. Kinuha pa nung isa kong kaklase yung bag ko at inilagay na sa upuan ko. The president of the class got something from the table, and as I was expecting, it was a cake.

A cake with blue icing that says: Welcome Back, Aidan! Tapos may kandila na red, may sinding dilaw na flame. Colors of the flag? Why do I feel like some modern day Philippine hero? They all looked at me, awaiting at my next move.

I scrunched my forehead. Corny na yata. Sobra naman, parang nabuhay ako uli pagkatapos mamatay. Sana hindi rin tama yung iniisip ko na may speeches saka intermission number pa sila? That's way over the top.

"Oy, paki-blow mo na ng candle." The person on my back nudged.

Sure, then. I blew, and they cheered. This is really awkward for me. I looked at their smiling faces. I smiled back.

Until when?

It's not like they'll be here cheering for me if I was dead, right? I'll be living normally if I didn't committed to drown myself.

"You're really alive."

Alive. I slowly looked behind me, and there stood her near the door. Clad on her perfectly ironed uniform, black shiny shoes, and worried look... it's the girl that my friends dared me to date for a whole month. She looks pretty, but, not fine.

As soon as she walked closer to me, my classmates made way for her, and she immediately hugged me. Like everything's fine and no one was watching. I didn't hug her back. Instead, I just whispered to her, "I'll talk to you later. Go to your class." I felt her nodding as she let go.

"See you later, baby." She smiled as she went out the classroom like she didn't make a scene.

When she was gone, they all howled. Damn, I just laughed. Even our adviser was shaking his head.

The class begun after that. They made me take out the cake and "eat it with Isabelle" later. I just nodded in response. And kept their notes in my bag. Might as well read them later.

Same old lessons, same old people, same old atmosphere. Nothing ever really mattered that much to me. At home, at school or anywhere I'll go... it's still the same.

Why did the one who saved me tried to rescue me, anyway? I'm not worthy of living. I don't even know if I'm still living this way. I've been told that I am alive, yet I feel like I'm dead.

I kicked some pebbles as I walked near the bus stop, where I am the only person there. Looking down, my shoes are already going to be torn, I see. I told Kael I'm not gonna play DotA 2 yet because I'm still on the verge of a hang over from drowning which isn't entirely true. I just want to get away for a while and think things over. Nakakasawa na rin na paulit-ulit ang ginagawa.

I sat beside my cake, waiting for Isabelle. Since this bus stop is near her house, I'd better be here. Hearing some stilletos, I knew it was Isabelle already.

"Hey," She greeted, smiling. Brown chiffon dress with black stilletos. Her make up was light, but she still looks like her bare-faced self. "Ano pag-uusapan natin?" She sounds guilty. Ha.

I picked up the cake, and started walking. "Sumunod ka muna." I said in a blunt tone.

And she quietly obliged, walking behind me. Does she even care? I never saw her nor knew if she visited when I was hospitalized. Wala naman talaga dapat na may pakialam, pero hindi man lang rin siya nag-iwan ng text para mangamusta. I guess, this was just a fleeting flirtship.

When we were sitting on the bench at baywalk, she just stared at me. Bypassers looked at us—judging my uniform as Isabelle's was on her casual get-up. We're not dating, anyway. I'm not supposed to make myself look like I was dating her.

"Um, so... anong pag-uusapan?" Her smile wore off.

"You know that we're just flirting, right? We didn't label ourselves, yet you know where this would lead." I started as she froze under my gaze. "Hindi ka rin naman siguro magtataka kung tatapusin ko na 'to ngayon."

Isabelle sighed, left my eyes, and spoke while she stared at the ground. "I knew you're not the one to be taken seriously. I know na wala lang naman 'to para sayo. I was just there kapag ayaw mong mag-isa."

Her words stung me a bit. Spoken as if she really knew me. This one is brave.

"Glad you know," I looked at her intensely. "'Wag kang magsalita na parang kilala mo na ako talaga, you're just a temporary fling that had been talking to me weeks ago. And you think I wouldn't know that you clung to me because you want some attention or praise that you were doing a charity work by dating a guy like me? I guess you'll never understand how shallow having popularity is."

Everyone wants the same. Their name to be known. I wasn't that popular at all, but I knew a lot of people in school that I hung out to play games and drink with. That's what she came for. Not me. And she's brave enough to reason all the wrong things just to make herself look right.

Not that she mattered. Her pretty face is comparable to any decent girl at school, anyway. We never had a genuine connection. I was distant, too. And only talked to her when I wanted to. Maybe it's partly my fault.

"You said you loved me, Aidan. Ganito ka ba magmahal? Sisiraan mo ako nang harap-harapan with meaningless accusations like what we had didn't even matter to you?" Her glaring eyes shot right through me. I looked at her fuming mad face.

"Anong sinisiraan? That's the truth." She was already going to hit me, but my words suddenly came out. "You never thought I'll find out how you were dating another guy behind me?"

It was another fact. Her hands stopped midway and went back beside her. She trembled as she muttered "sorry".

No wonder why she didn't have time to check me out. Well, yeah... it's not like she matters to me anyway.

Another person who chose to fool me. Same intention, different person. It was always like this when you enter a relationship—it's bound to fail.

"I just... I just wanna feel loved." Her eyes were starting to tear up. "I'm sorry..."

Will sorry suffice? Contrary to that, I don't need her apology at all. I'm not that affected, to be frank.

I disregarded it. And smiled at her as I grabbed the box of cake. "Congrats, you might have just found it. And congrats, we're over." I stood up and walked away before she says anything.

I ended another one. It's the first time I got fooled. If I hadn't drowned, I would've cheated earlier than her.

It's my life I guess. Hurt others or be hurt. No room for happiness which never existed.

When I was home from walking... I nearly slept if it wasn't for some fucking loud singers, which was like 3 houses apart from our house, it seemed.

I laid down on my plaid bed. Another day I lived wanting to be gone.

"Aidan!" I grunted as I heard tito calling outside. Probably for chores.

I got up to follow. "Po?"

It's the way of living, isn't it?