Darkness

The Rest of the Week

Things didn't change throughout the rest of the week. That was, at school at least. Each day I would pass her in the hallways and she never once looked at me. I knew something didn't happen in science, it was just me. Was I really that awful? I never managed to ever make anyone happy, and no matter how much my friends tried to cheer me up, I just wanted her. Payton was the only thing that could get a smile on my face and it was horrible that she never looked at me.

Sixth period jokes turned into silence, and on Friday when we were supposed to talk to each other; we didn't.

Walking into health, Payton went left, and I went right. I stopped waiting for her after class because I knew I would just get left.

On Wednesday evening I sent a quick "hey" but never got anything back. I left her alone for three and half hours before sending her, "Payton, will you please tell me what I did wrong?"

She opened it right away, but never responded. I sent a please and waited some more. Same thing.

That's when I did the thing that everyone hates to talk about, or hates when it floats in the wind. I did a magic trick. I took something silver and made it red. Gosh, was I good at it. After seeing a steady stream of red, I stopped myself. Not too much. I'll be able to cover this tomorrow.

And that's exactly what I did. On Thursday morning I pulled my marron hoodie over my black sports bra, laced up my converse, and headed for the door. I had to stop in the bathroom to take out my retainer and that's when I really noticed my eyes. They were puffy and pink. Welp. Today may not be such an easy day after all.

I checked my phone when I got into the car and my brother had started on our way. Scrolling through my messages, I noticed Payton had texted me. Three times at least. Two on regular messaging, and at least one on snap. Her texts asked if I was alright, but I wasn't, and I didn't feel like answering. Turning off my phone, I stared out the window.

When we arrived at school I waited in the car instead of heading in. What's the point of going in? There's no one I wanted to see anyways.

My phone lit up:

Payton: Please tell me you're okay. I know that I've been a jerk to you these last few days.

Me: Okay.

Payton: Will you let me see you?

Me: You'll see me before band.

Payton: Can I see you now?

I didn't respond to that. Didn't even open it. When it came across my screen all I wanted to do was smile, but instead I held back tears. I made my way for the car door, so my brother wouldn't see my tears, and headed for first period. I knew Payton was somewhere in the hallways, but never once did I look up. Tears were dripping from my eyes, streaming gently along my face, and sometimes landing on my jacket.

Taking notes in math was probably the easiest thing ever since I didn't have to talk to anyone. My arm was on fire and I had to keep it steady, but I kept fearing the scabs would come open.

French was the same. I got to keep quiet, and thankfully my partner had no issue for talking for the two of us when we were called on. The forty-two minutes of math, four minutes of walking, and now these forty-two minutes were the longest, and I didn't know how I'd be able to keep going through the day. I was very thankful that I hadn't seen Payton yet, but I also wished our paths would cross.

Science was no different, and I just wanted to walk out of the school and go home. No one would really notice because kids had to go outside for class all the time. Maybe I'd sneak into the locker room, change, and head for the track. I loved it there; I felt free.

That's what got me through science and history. Thinking about the track. How to change my head and arm position to try and be faster. Maybe if I changed my running stance? Today, get, home, regular run, add extra reps. We slowed by three seconds, and that's going to get us to lose. Those few sentences stayed repeating so I didn't have to focus on anything else. It was great.

The fourth period bell rang, and I packed up my binder and black pen. Walking out of the room I waited by the table outside the door for Allie. She came seconds later with a smile across her face.

"Cutie, what's the smile for?"

"Oh nothing," She reached for my hand, and we headed to band.

I knew I would have to see Payton now, but maybe if I kept my head down we wouldn't have to say anything.

Allie and I said our normal "goodbye" and I headed for the cafeteria. Head down did nothing; Payton stopped me. I tried to keep walking. "Hope please."

I turned like I was going to hug her, but spun again and walked away. Tears were already forming. Today was just not the day. I made it to my lunch table, and they all knew something was up, but I didn't tell them so. It wasn't like anyone could do anything to help. It was just between Payton and me.

Art went by in a burr. I didn't know an hour could go by that fast, but with music and coloring you never know. I had been working on a gigantic owl since Tuesday, and I knew I wanted it finished by tomorrow. You got this.

When the bell rang I took my time cleaning up. What's the rush in going to see Payton? I knew she had apologized, in a way, but I didn't want to get hurt again. I knew I would because I would always want to go back to her, but maybe if I tried my best to stay distant then my feelings would subside.

Payton tried to talk to me in sixth. Reaching for m arm, tapping me with a pencil, saying random things so I would look back. But I never did.

Walking to seventh period she sped up to try and walk with me. Tried to slip her hand into mine, but I wouldn't let her. She grabbed my wrist, and it stung. I pulled away, and sped up. She didn't walk over to my side of the classroom, but she left before me and waited where I would have to pass her. I tried to walk by, but her arm stopped me.

"Hope, please listen to me."

"No," I tried to walk away, but Payton's armed wrapped tightly against me.

"I'm going to miss my bus." She let go, and I walked away.

Before even stepping onto my bus my phone had buzzed. I didn't check it. I got home, and still didn't check it.

My stomach growled, and I realized I should probably eat, but I could wait another day. Pushing up my sleeve, I realized how bad it really was, but a few more couldn't hurt?

Payton cared, and I was very thankful for that, but I also knew I wouldn't ever be enough for her. I had done this to myself before, but this time I added something more. I reached for some of the bottles on my dresser, and took a couple handfuls of each. It was only 4, so I knew it wouldn't hit me for a bit.

I settled in my bed wrapping myself in my purple blanket and finally checked my messages. Eight were from Payton just asking if I was okay or that she wanted to talk to me. I didn't respond. I reached for my laptop, and then heard my phone buzz. Payton was trying to call, but I just let it ring.

I fell asleep without knowing, and woke up with my heart pounding. I didn't care. I dressed and got ready like normal, swallowed a few more pills, and went to school like normal. It was Friday, and I knew that would mean two days without Payton. You can do it.

Payton: Hope, I really hope you're here today. I want you to come over this weekend. Even if for a few hours. I need you. I never should have hurt you.

It stayed unread. She'd learn that I was here, and I think everyone knew now that I was far from okay.

I made it all the way to sixth without her. Went to seventh and still nothing happened. Walking out of the room, I laced my fingers to hers, clasped in her arms, and in a hushed voice whispered, "Of course I'll come over."