The love, Hate Effect *** Completed ***

depression and vulnerability

"How have you been?"
"Since my boyfriends died..... Ive been okay."
"No doctor she's not okay, shes highly depressed. She doesnt eat much she rarely sleeps at all.... Im worried aboit her."
"Shut up Dereck your not worried about me."
"Yes i am im worried about you and thus baby."
"You wont be worried if the baby turns out not to be yours."
"Okay im going to prescribe you some medication for your depression, it's going to make you hungry and sleepy."
I nod Dereck grabs my hand as the doctor leaves to write up the prescription, i pull my hand away. Tears start to fall from my eyes wishing Ricky was here so he could hear the babies heart beat.
"Im coming home with you."
"No i want to be alone."
"You cant be alone.... You need people around you."
"I can tell you exactly what i dont need. And thats a rapist."
I get up walking away going to his Truck, i try to get in but its to high. I feel his hands on my waist picking me up putting me in the seat.
"Thank you."
I put my hands on my bump feelinv the baby kick hard, Dereck gets in the trucm staring at me. I look up, "what?"
"I love you."
I look out the window as he starts the truck, the drive is quiet... "Do you have food at home?"
"I dont know."
"Im going to go into the grocery store and get some stuff too cook for you."
"Dereck your not coming over!"
"Yes... I am."
He slamms the door walking into the store, i sigh fighting back tears. Who is going to save me from him now? Ill become his toy once again... Its been a month and he hasnt touched me sexually yet but, who knows how long that will last. I jump as the truck door opens "sorry did i scare you?" i shake my head not wanting him to know he still scares me, he pilles in bags of food to make for us but i just cant eat. I feel this black pit in my stomach that's taking up the space where my food goes. As we leave the store he grabs my hand gently and squeezes it reassuring me everything is going to be okay. I pull away from him scooting closer to the door not wanting to be touched at all.
When we get to the house i run up straight to my room and lock the door not wanting him to come in at all. I need to learn how to be alone, especially if this baby is not his. I hear him knock on the door a few times but i ignore it completely.
"The food is ready.... Dont make me find a way in. You need to eat, its not just you in there remember that."
His words hit me like a brick wall and i feel like a bad mother already, i unlock the door letting him in.
"Come down and eat with me."
I shake my head, "i dont want to get up."
"Then ill carry you."
My body shakes reacting to him towering over me, "i dont want you to pick me up."
"To bad you need to eat."
His arms scoop me up so easy.
"Why are you shaking? Are you cold?"
"Yeah sure lets go with that."
He sits me on the couch and covers me with a blanket, stupid man. He brings us a plate of his pasta and suddenly my stomach growls but the pit in my stomach over powers my want for food. My eyes analyze it thoroughly, ugh it looks so good. This is one thing he is good at... Cooking.
"Eat Mya. Please."
A tear falls from my eye to my cheek, i miss Ricky so much. I dont want to be alive! Why did he leave me alone?! Sobs break in my chest, Dereck takes my plate pulling me into his arms. His hands runing his fingers through my hair.
"Shhhh, i know Mya i know. Im sorry this happened."
"He-he s-said he would never leave me and He's... He's gone forever! Why Dereck why did this happen? Am i a horrible person?"
I ask him as i sit up looking into his eyes. He shakes his head.
"You are not a bad person you are and angel.... And he didn't leave you on purpose. He left unwilling, he loves you more than anything in the world Mya."
He shakes his head closing his eyes, a tear falls and it breaks my heart more.
"Ive spend this whole time crying and feeling so horrible i forgot he was your best friend...."
He whipes his face off getting off the couch walking to the bathroom quickly. I get up slowly whipping my tears, my ear at the door hearing him cry. Im such a bitch, "open the door Dereck."
I turn the nob and walk in, i pull his face to my chest and he breaks down.
"Come on.... Come lay with me."
He nods whipping his face, he picks me up taking me to my room, Derecks face laying on my little baby bump.
"Dereck? Are you okay?"
He nods a bit.
"Im sorry Mya i know im supposed to be this tough asshole but, i just lost my best friend my best friend thats inlove with my.... With the girl i love. And the girl fucking hates me and i dont blame her... I dont blame you for hating Mya i did some horrible unspeakable things to you and it kills me to know how much i hurt your but, i cant be strong right now. I need someone to care for me as i care for you, i feel so alone all the time and you constantly hating and telling me how horrible i was just breaks-"
He stops talking as i push him to sit up and look at me.
"Im here Dereck. We are going to be okay."
I say holding his face in my hands, he nods wrapping his arms around my waist. He lays his head on my chest his tears still flowing, ive been sich a selfish bitch. Ive been so mean and hateful, i didnt even consider how he feels. He looks me in my eyes, his eyes red and fuffy, "im sorry Mya.. For everything."
I kiss his forehead, "i- i forgive you Dereck."
Tears fall from his eyes and he smirks a bit as do i, he relaxes in my arms as i turn the tv on. We never did this, we never had the chance to just relax and enjoy eachothers company. It was always sexual and forced, even the first night we ever hung out we laughed and joked for a good five minutes and then he seduced. He took my virginity and inwas stupid at the time to think he was going to make his girlfriend and take me on date sand be sweet. But it was not like what i thought it nwas going to be at all. He would sneak into my room all the time, force me to have sex with him and even though it felt good... I didnt want it. I never had the chance to want him, i look down at him as he feels the babies kick. I hate what he did to me but i dont hate him, he made stupid decision and inhate what he did but i know there is a good guy in there. Ive seen him since Ricky.... I shutter thinking the words "passed away" He's been so gentle ever since he realized Ricky and i were inlove and happy. He would make snide comments but he hasnt hurt me not one bit in 7 months. Dereck has matured so much i only wish he was the man he is now, back then.
"Dereck why did you do it though?"
"Mya, i have no idea other than to say i was stupid and i didnt knon how to act when i came to the realisation that i had fallen inlove with you. It made me mad that you made me feel that way and i don't know why. I dont know how to explain it...."
"Okay.... Its okay."
"No its not Mya. I happy you forgave me but, i know youll never love me because of what i did and thats something that hurts me so much but i deserve it."
He kisses my belly, "The only thing i can do now it love and treat this baby right and be there for him or here for the rest of my life. I love this baby even if the baby is not mine,ill be the daddy he or she should have had."
Happy tears fall down my face knowing he wants to be there for this baby no matter what. I won't have to do this alone and Dereck will make sure this babg will never have to struggle in any way.
"Are you still going to college Dereck?"
"Im going to the university here to i can raise this baby. What about you?"
"No college for me... Going to be a stay at home mom. Ricky's parents gave me a hundred grand to love off of... I don't even want to use it but im going to have too."
"Ill take care of yall Mya. Dont worry, whatevee you need or want just tell me."
He says looking up at me, he sits up looking into my eyes. Those eyes i used to adore, his thumb traces over my bottom lip. I close my eyes feeling weak. "I want to kiss you Mya so bad but, i kiss you unless you tell me too. Ill never do anything you don't want me to do ever again."
I open my eyes looking at him, my heart aching but my body wanting. I cant do this right now, i just cant.... I look away for a few seconds.
"Look at me Mya please."
I look at him as he grabs my face in his hands.
"You are so beautiful Mya."
He kisses my cheek then pulls me in his arms, i feel my eyes getting heavy and sleep finds me quick.