You're the Reason

Chapter 19

"I'm surprised you're awake." Payton said sleepily.

"Did I wake you?" I turned away from the computer screen I had been staring at for the majority of the night.

I had a blanket wrapped around my shoulders and an open Gatorade. I felt like shit, I'd thrown up twice, my head was pounding, I had a fever and my body ached.

"No." She came to my side, her hand resting on my shoulder as she stood beside me. "What are you doing?"

"Research." I told her. "I'm calling an outpatient place when they open."

She didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say either. I just wanted to keep saying I was sorry but sorry wasn't enough. I still found myself saying it a lot though. I was hoping maybe it would slowly fix whatever was damaged inside me. Like maybe if I was sorry enough whatever higher being was out there would just make it all go away. I was trying to ignore how bad I was craving a fix. My apologies were doing nothing to dull that. And it was all making my anxiety worse.

"How are you feeling?"

I looked up at her, her brown hair was mussed with sleep, her eyes tired but she was still beautiful standing there in my T-shirt. And she was mine. Still.

"Been better." I said.

"Can I do anything for you?"

She was being so wonderful. So understanding. So Payton. I still didn't believe I deserved her.

"I'm so sorry." I told her for the millionth time.

My stomach turned and I shivered, pulling the blanket tighter to me.

"Luie, you don't have to be sorry." She cupped my face in her hands. "We just start over, that's all."

I leaned into her stomach, my ear pressed against the thin material that was my shirt. There was a little baby in there, a tiny little soul. Our baby.

"Are you scared?" I asked her.

She was running her fingers through my hair. It momentarily took my thoughts away from my cravings.

"Of course." She said. "You?"

"Terrified."

She laughed a little. "I think it's normal."

I blew out a shaky breath, trying to ease the nausea. I could tell I'd be in the bathroom in a short while.

"You are nothing like your father says and you are nothing like him. You're going to be an amazing dad."

I had already been through a whole list of ways I could fail. I didn't have much else to do while I was up feeling like shit. The endless possibilities were frightening. I was a fuck up, we were young. How could I possibly add anything of value to a child's life. Payton let out a yawn.

"I'm going to go back to bed for a little while." She said at the end of her yawn.

I was still pressed against her and I didn't want to let her go. She didn't make any move to leave either. I liked listening to her steady breathing, feeling the warmth of her skin through my shirt she slept in, her hands in my hair. But my stomach turned again and this time it meant business.

I was out of the chair, stumbling for the bathroom. The blanket fell off my shoulders halfway there and I was cursing myself every step of the way. I just wanted it to be over with. The saddest part was all I could think about was how if I just had some more it'd stop the withdrawals. I'd be fine or some version of fine. I dropped in front of the toilet, the red Gatorade I had been drinking spewing out. I felt Payton's hand on my back.