Good, Bad & Undecided (BWWM)

03. It takes two to tango

I'm outright ignoring him, just so you know.

It's been almost a week now and Raph keeps staring at me whenever we're in the same space. His eyes are full of confusion and intrigue, they intimidate me by how intense they are. It's like he has a doubt and deep down, actually knows that I am the girl he had a steamy phone call with.  But him being a reasonable dude that (thank god) can catch hints that I'm not interested in talking to him, means he hasn't once tried to approach me. Not after that one time outside with Jaden. He also didn't try to call me back and I was relieved. A part of me at least was. 

The other one? Well, kept wondering what if? I think everyone has that part of them that wants to find out what would happen if one was to get off their comfort zone to confront de surprises of life.

Should I come clean and tell the truth to Raphael? Maybe besides, it'd be less stressful than pretending like I am at the moment! 

And honestly, being involved like that with Raphael didn't scare me that much though since I knew he could be a good boyfriend. Thing is, in our mutual past there's always been a lot of awkwardness and even now there's still this tension between us, it's weird.

You're probably wondering why, so let me tell you the truth, let me come clean at least to you, even if I never do the same for him. 

Eleven years ago, Raph and I were in the same middle school and even in the same class. Yes I know, we go way back, and thus, he has always been an almost permanent person in my life despite the fact that we were never close.  And already back then, he used to stare at me whenever we were in the same room and a young girl, it made me feel something. (Now I know that it was excitement, but it took me a long time to find the right word to put on this feeling). Raph stared at me every time he could in class and a small part of me liked it, but the other -stronger- was afraid. Afraid because my parents - the first visual of love and romance I've ever seen- could be hard on each other, and when they fought it made me feel anxious. 

Thus, I was afraid that love would be exactly like this for me: fall in love with someone and then spend the rest of your life arguing with them. 

And of course, now I know that it was my own childhood talking over my brain and telling me what to do or rather, what I should NOT do. But how do you explain that to an eleven years old child? And how can she then, explain to someone her age? 

I didn't have the words so I couldn't give them to Raphael. 

He came to me, all red in the face, with a little sachet of candies, and asked, "Ruby do you want to be my girlfriend? I think it would be cool!" 

And eleven year old me ran in the opposite direction, completely at loss for words and with my heart ready to burst out of my chest. After that, Raphael didn't say a word to me for years and I get that. I understand because there's a chance I was his first crush, so his first heartbreak and because I know -from experience- how painful it is to be rejected by the one you like, I didn't take it personally. 

Then, Raphael grew into the handsome man he now is, with his subtle facial hair and dark tattoos on his arm. 

Though, I still wonder what he felt like when I rejected him, and wouldn't he feel angry about me possibly accepting him now? I myself, barely understand what's going in my head, I can't possibly imagine adding another person to the mix. A person, that as your significant other, you should always care about.

However, I still felt like I should be honest with him.

And finally, around 8 pm after several days of acting like nothing happened, I decided to talk to him. Sitting on my bed, lavender pajama and matching silk bonnet on my head. I grabbed my phone and took a deep breath.

To : Mr Dick Pick

You were right it's me, Ruby. I didn't know how to tell you face to face, so that's why I'm doing it now.

Dropping it back on the bed, I got off the bed and started roaming around my room. The anxiety of what could happen was keeping my heart beating strongly and I knew then, there was no way I could go to sleep anytime soon. Oh well, that's alright I do have three essays due by the end of the week that I haven't even started writing yet. Guess I'll just start now! A couple of minutes went back and I got no response, I took the silence as a one. Maybe he grew tired of chasing me and had moved on. I couldn't blame him. Afterall? I had no true reason for why I was even texting him in the first place! If all that happened was some phone sex and a couple of longing looks in the hallway, why the hell was I getting so worked up over it?

Then I looked again at my screen and realized that oh... I actually didn't press send. It's probably a sign that I shouldn't do it, the nervous part of me supplied. And that was enough for me to push back telling the truth later. When exactly? I had no idea so life chose for me. It was maybe around two am and sleep refused to come to me, I kept tossing and turning, the unset text weighing on my mind and not letting me rest. So without really thinking I grabbed my phone and pressed send. I'll deal with the consequences later, for now, God please let me sleep!

Almost immediately, the phone started to buzz; Raphael was calling me! 

Without thinking, I accepted the call, "Hey, What's up?" my voice cracked and sounded wobbly as hell. 

"We need to talk, I want to see you."