Katie's Chatter

Intrusive Thoughts

I haven't written anything on here in a while. I guess I haven't really wanted to talk in a while.

Things have been okay with me I suppose; not that things are ever terribly bad.

I hung out with my friend Ariel a lot recently. We dyed each others hair and it was pretty fun. My life isn't terrible. Sure bad things happen to me all the time, but that doesn't mean I don't have good things like my dog, or my rat.

It's just that when I open my eyes each morning, its a constant struggle. Sure some days are better than others, but that doesn't mean that those thoughts in the back of my mind go away.

Its like I'm not good enough, for anybody. My dog has taken a liking to my boyfriend, and sometimes I swear I convince myself that even my best friend doesn't like me.

I guess it's because of all the times I swear I trusted somebody, only for them to drift away/stop talking to me.

I don't ever want that to happen. Because who would I vent to? Who would I show photos of my dog, or get makeup advice from?

I couldn't live without her. And although sometimes I feel like nobody wants me, deep down in my brain, I know she does.

I know that I'm over reacting at least 80% of the time. But being replaced is my #1 fear. What if someone is better for my dog? What if someone is prettier? What if someone is closer?

Its like the devil himself lives inside my brain, and every time I feel any sort of joy, he tugs on my feelings and whispers about how worthless I am to everybody I know, and sometimes its hard to fight them off.

Your mom only wants you around for money. No she loves me, she would never use me like that.

Your best friend? She only talks to you when she's upset. Shania loves you too, she lives a busy life and can't always message you about every single thing. She would never leave you. It's been eight years, you spork.

Your boyfriend finds you annoying and repulsive. Why would he still live with you if he did?

Nobody actually likes your stories, they just follow you because Shania said so. How? I have more reads than followers.

You're getting way too fat to wear that. But I'm joining the gym next year.

Lately i've found that I have more of these thoughts while I'm alone. And when I do, food has no taste. I just feel so numb.

I haven't really told anyone in my personal life about these thoughts, because it just feels like they shrug it off. Like I don't matter.

I can't help waking up this way, or just snapping into this state of mind.

I guess what I'm saying is: You never know what someone is going through, just by looking at them.

Sorry this was just me venting and being kinda depressing. It's unedited and kinda crappy, but I wrote this, cried and fell asleep. I still feel murky, but I'm kinda just watching Dan and hoping for the best I guess.

Until next time I guess.