Critical (Jamilton)

7. Alexander At The Psychiatrist, A Mini Opera

"Don't you have a job to get to, asshole?" Hamilton laughed. 

Thomas smiled and leaned over the glove box to the passenger's seat for a goodbye kiss, which Alex gladly returned. 

Hamilton got out of the car and went to the door, waiting for a second before knocking. Thomas already drove off, but still, Alex looked over his shoulder like he'd still see the car sitting on the street to make sure he got in the house okay. 

It was unnecessary, though, because, after one knock, Peggy dragged him into the house. 

"Alex!" she cried, pulling him into a squeeze-hug. "I know I wasn't exactly there firsthand to see the situation play out, but I am so glad that you're okay. Physically, at least, my bets are on at least three different psychological traumas goin' on, am I right?" 

"We can't just socialize for a little bit before we get into that?" Ham suggested hopefully. "I haven't seen you in the longest time out of everyone." 

"Nice try there, Lex, but no. Jefferson told me what happened and I really think we need to get down to it." She patted him on the hand and led him over to the chair and couch. "We can socialize after." 

Hamilton groaned and nodded. "Fine, what do you want to know?"

"How are you doing, Alexander?" She asked, suddenly serious.

"Why is everyone asking that?"

"Because you were held captive for six years and now you're just back to life like nothing happened."

Alex sighed. He wanted to avoid the subject, but that wasn't what he was there for. "Right. Well, I mean, I'm doing fine. I'm back, I can actually see and talk to Thomas, that's really. . . It's really. . ."

"Good?"

". . .Not exactly."

Peggy looked at him, confused. "You don't want to be with him anymore?"

"That isn't what I said, I just. . . I don't know, it's different, I guess."

"Because of the kidnapping?"

Hamilton ditched his plan. Who cares if avoiding topics wasn't what he was there for? He was used to avoiding certain topics. Suicide, parents, close family in general. . . But now it felt like he had to avoid saying anything at all, like anything anyone said would send him spiraling into a mental breakdown. He stood up.

"Look, I really want to just go enjoy being back--"

"Lex, please sit back down. Don't think of this as a therapy session, I just want to know how you're doing. As a friend, alright?"

Alex silently sat back down and Peggy smiled sympathetically.

"So. . . I need you to be honest here, did something happen while you were gone?" She asked quietly. "You keep saying that it was like being grounded but I don't believe you."

Alexander was quiet long enough for Peggy to repeat herself.

Finally, he forced himself to start talking about what happened. 

"Yeah that was a lie," he muttered. "What happened while I was gone, it wasn't really 'pleasant'."

"So why don't you just say that?"

"I didn't want any of you to worry."

"Any of us?"

"Thomas. I didn't want Thomas to worry."

Peggy nodded and pulled her legs onto the chair to sit with her legs crossed. "Tell me what happened."

He hesitated. He didn't want to say any of it because that was admitting that it happened. . . Peggy asked one more time, but Alex didn't think she was going to push him.

He opened his mouth to say no, but what came out instead was, "Beatings?"

It sounded more like a question, but he kept talking.

"A lot of them. . . I couldn't keep my mouth shut and they just. . . He just didn't care. . ." he took a shaky breath. "Most of the time he wasn't a happy person, but there were times where he was just downright malevolent and I was just--" he moved his hand to clutch his side where a scar was. Just one scar, but it was noticeable enough.

Peggy reminded him to take a second to breathe. He did before continuing. He didn't really want to, but he couldn't stop himself.

"I just. . . Six years. . . That's a long time, y'know?"

"I know," Peggy said reassuringly. "What about John and Samuel? Did anything happen with them?"

Hamilton nodded and wiped his eyes before any tears could come out. "I don't know what happened to Samuel but John--" 

He remembered the blood on the snow and how empty John's eyes looked. He remembered the terrified feeling of being lost in the woods with a dead friend, not knowing where to go or what to do. . . 

He stopped suddenly and shook his head, he hid his face in his hands. "I don't want to say it, I can't say it."

Peggy put a hand on his knee slowly, he jumped and looked back up at her.

"You don't have to," she whispered. "I'm not going to make you say anything. Okay?" 

Alex nodded without moving his hands. 

"Why don't we just try again tomorrow or something, hm?" Peggy suggested quietly. "Let's just catch up for now." 

"Please."