One Small Step | ✔

Carina

And like every other child on the block learning to ride their bike,

I fell and I cried.

Carina came rushing out of the blue and white house,

a first-aid kit with the red cross on the cover in her hand.

She briskly wiped it clean with disinfectant which stung,

and applied a bandage on it.

"Shush now, Lulu-Bear." Carina scolded me.

"It's just a scab."

I began to sniffle,

trying to stop the tears from coming.

Carina sighed and brushed loose blonde strands out of my face,

blowing her own bangs out of her eyes.

She stared at me with her blue eyes sternly,

and simply said, "Let's go get ice cream."

Hearing this, all three of my brothers obviously came out,

two, screaming at the top of their lungs,

"We want ice cream!"

Jacob stood, silent as ever, beside them.

My dad wasn't even there.

He claimed he was working on a book.

But never have I ever seen his name in the book store.

I have, though, seen scattered, ripped pages in his study.

At the ice-cream parlour,

Carina didn't ask me what I want.

She told the person behind the cashier,

"Two mango gelato scoops and a green tea gelato scoop."

You might think those two flavours are weird,

but they're amazing.

I stood there, beside her and when she handed it to me,

I stared at her, wondering how she knew me so well.

I have never one of the kids who enjoyed sprinkles.

You might think me weird,

but they just don't have any taste to them.

They're just extra effort.

Carina knew that.

That's why we never went to Purdy's,

or other ice-cream places

that don't have gelato.

Because even at the age,

I was growing up too fast,

though not as fast as Carina.

Carina sped faster than it should be possible.

The trip down memory lane is over,

and now we're back in the present.

Carina was strong. Stubborn.

And like Adam, no one knows why she committed suicide.

Like Adam, I should have noticed.

Like Adam, I didn't.

It was clear, clearer than Adam's,

and yet I didn't see anything.

After she died, Tate called me from the other side of the country,

voice broken,

he told me to check her room.

And so I did.

It was as pristine as ever.

There wasn't a single mess in there.

I didn't understand why Tate wanted me to check her room.

So I called him.

"Tallulah," he said.

His voice cracked in the middle of my name.

"Take those posters off her wall."

I did as he said.

Imagine my shock when I saw

an entire painting of black swirls,

shadows, and red, blood red.

Hidden behind posters of smiling actors and boy bands.

There was a note attached,

I was scared to read it,

But I read it anyway.

None of it made sense.

Tallulah. Lulu-Bear. This is for you and you only

I love you and I'm sorry, but I can't anymore,

I just can't. Maybe one day you'll understand,

But I hope you never have to.

What couldn't she do?

We were always there for each other.

What was so bad that I couldn't help her?

Why was she so vague in this?

I called Tate again and asked the question I knew the answer to.

"Is Carina... Gone?"

He told me,

how.

It was an early morning.

Six AM

at the jagged cliff

near the lake.

Her roommate knew she went.

That rommate thought Carina had just gone to the spot to think.

but when she told the search party,

they dragged the lake.

Her body was found,

bloody,

broken.

Lifeless.

Whether she died from all that pain she suffered,

or from no oxygen.

Who knows?

Either way she died intentionally.

Carina could swim.

In fact, she had a lifegard liscence.

There's no way she couldn't have surfaced.

She could have lived but she chose not to.

She'd given up

On

Her family

Her life.

If I had come to visit,

accepting her invitation for once.

Though she hadn't invited me recently.

Would that have changed things?

I don't think so.

The paintings,

All were done

Before Carina went to med school.

How ironic.

She went in hopes to save people.

Only to take

her own life.

The glowing sun begins to set and I get up,

brush my hands off and ride home,

knowing that would be the last time,

I ever see my sister's and Adam's graves for a while.

Dad's moving the two of us to some little town in the middle of nowhere.