Critics column - 2

Review - 44

Love Me Until the End

User - luna_G8

Cover:

The cover could have been done better. The words were appealing and there was no need for the parenthesis and the words inside. It would be fine to keep it in the title slot for Wattpad but not on the cover. Also, the picture would have been fine if it was the same color. It makes it look sloppy and croppy.

Title:

From what anime (I am assuming because of cover) does Madara come from? What is this fanfiction for? Also, the title of a story should always be capitalized. Unless it is an article: the, a/an. So it should look like “Love Me Until the End.” You might have noticed that I changed “till” to “until”. The reason is because till is an lesser form of until and it looks odd when trying to write a story with proper english grammar.

Summary:

Way too long. I had to force myself to read past the first sentence. Plus it is to long to be one paragraph. What you have written could easily make two or three, which is half of a research paper. Truth is, I wouldn’t even have to read the book to know how it starts and ends. Your summary gives it all away and it is super disappointing.

Story:

The story was hard to swallow. I don’t know the original characters acted, but the ones that were introduced where all over the place. It was hard to understand what each character was like and if their role was important in the overall plot.

Something that seems to really common was your paragraphs. Thy are to long, with run on sentences and scene changes. When you go from one action/scene to the next, they are separated by a paragraph. Very much like how I wrote this.

Another thing that I noticed was how you wrote out the dialogue. You have to separate who is speaking and what is happening at that point of time. This is how you properly write a dialogue:

“You think this is about money?” Jade yelled, throwing her hands into the air. “When has this ever been about money?”

“Since you said that you needed my help!” I yelled back. I could feel my face turning red with anger. Jade scoffed and shook her head at me.

“You know nothing…”

Overall:

I think it could have been written better. I still don’t know what fanfiction this is for. I might have missed it, but either way, you need to clearly state what the fiction is for.

Please fix your paragraphs. They are really important when it comes to reading. They keep the readers eye moving and if there are no paragraphs then the story drags on and becomes very tiring. Even if the story itself is very beautiful and has lovely writing.

Rating:

2/10

By - ReviewGal