Critics column - 2

Review - 5

Author: Felicity_Cameron

Title: Illumination

I think the title is very fitting for your story. So far, with the constant repetition of the stars and the sense that Agustin is being illuminated by his relationship with Amara, I think it works nicely.

Cover:

I love the idea of the cover. I wonder, a little, whether it’s a bit dark and how well it stands out when people are scrolling through looking for something to read. But, it’s pretty and it encompasses the nature of the story.

Summary:

The summary is very short and mostly to the point. I found some of the sentences weren’t as clear and concise as they could be. I would probably revisit your summary when you’re done posting the book to make sure it reflects your final product. As it stands now, I’m not sure it would pull me in to read your novel.

Story:

You’ve asked for a Level Two review, so I’m going to be listing mostly points for improvement. Before I start that I wanted to let you know that I enjoyed reading this. I think your characters are developing nicely and you have, at times, some beautiful turns of phrase in your writing. I think there’s a ton of potential here in the story and in your writing.

General comments:

At times, some of the phrasing is overly wordy. In the first chapter, the use of the word “very” is used a few times to modify words when it is not needed. Using words when they aren’t needed slows the momentum of the sentence and makes the phrasing seem wordy.

Examples: very flow, very rib cage

Example wordy sentence: I cautiously neared towards her – neared and towards mean almost the same thing – cut or modify one or both.

Watch for the use of filter phrases in first person. I looked, I noticed, I saw, I feel, etc are all filter phrases. In first person, these can often be cut down or eliminated entirely with some sentence restructuring. Since the story is in first person, it should be clear that the main character is doing these things without the reader having to be explicitly told.

 In the paragraph starting with “so lucky” it is hard, at first, to determine whether the POV has shifted. The first reference to Amara, while she is playing and talking to the dog, should be either “the girl” or “the young woman” rather than “she” to make it clear that Agustin is still narrating. That paragraph was confusing as a reader and a simple fix would clear it up.

Sometimes you are missing punctuation around your speech.

I didn’t peg the POV as a male in the first chapter. I’m not sure if that matters to you or not. But, I wonder whether a few clues might make it clearer that the POV is Agustin. I didn’t know until he introduced himself in the final line.

Sometimes the paragraphing doesn’t feel quite right. For example, in Chapter Two, the third paragraph starts with information that should probably be with the second paragraph.

Some minor typos, spelling errors and word use errors

Examples: “nothing better than a company…” – some company?

Get late versus be late

Both not dating – makes it seem like they’re being accused of dating in general, not specifically each other

Fleeted from the place like birds – Fled from

Later, the word fleeting is used about birds and I think this reference is also incorrect.

Recurring home – returning home?

Shown brightly – shone brightly?

At times, passive voice is used – example: “I had no idea what subjects were taken by Amara” should be “I had no idea what subjects Amara was taking.”

At one point, Agustin thinks “I agree that guys are bad…” but then contradicts this thought almost immediately. Why have him think it?

Agustin is described as “giggling” at one point. The connotations of this word are often feminine and higher pitched. Is that the impression you want the reader to have? If not, perhaps chuckled or snickered would work better?

In his inner thoughts, Agustin thinks, “I felt uncomfortable as I was not too experienced at being around girls” – instead of telling the reader this, show it through actions and dialogue. It’s always more fun as a reader to discover a character than to be told things.

I’m not sure about the piece where the reader is pulled out of the narrative by Agustin reflecting on how much he’s changed. It makes it seem like the story is being narrated from afar and I hadn’t had that impression up to that point. I would either make it clearer that Agustin is looking back on his life right from the start or remove the section starting with “I hadn’t realized then…”

The conversation with Alan would have had me skimming as a regular reader. I think it’s supposed to show Amara as tough and opinionated but it just didn’t resonate with me. I might consider reworking that conversation to make it flow a little better and maybe with some more back and forth to increase the tension between the characters?

In the first few chapters, I really enjoyed the dialogue between Amara and Agustin. It felt like they were getting to know each other and developing a meaningful relationship. By the fourth chapter, their conversations almost become too philosophical for me to fully enjoy (this could be my personal taste). I think the overall story is going for this deep, thoughtful vibe, so maybe this comment isn’t valid.

At times, the writing is beautiful and lyrical and pulled me in completely. But sometimes if the verbose, metaphorical language carried on too long, you started to lose me and I wanted to stay in the moment with the characters.

As I said before, I enjoyed reading this. I think you’ve got a really interesting idea.

Good luck! If you need any clarification on anything I’ve written here, please send me a PM. I’m happy to discuss any of it.

RElizabethM