Rebel Child

To The Woman Who Is Raped While Filming Porn

As you pretend to roll your eyes back in pleasure,

you are actually in extreme pain.

As you throw your head back and moan,

it is not because you are enjoying what is happening right now.

He grabs your shiny blonde locks and yanks,

and you cannot do anything about it because

the director hasn't yelled cut.

He whispers in your ear that you feel so good

and how you're being so good for him,

while all you want to do is go home and wash off

any reminder that today

ever.

happened.

You told him your limits,

what you liked and what you didn't.

And you thought (or hoped, maybe) that he would listen.

But he violated you on screen.

He raped you while you had to pretend to enjoy it.

So when you see that the video has gotten 80,000 likes,

and you posted it only an hour ago,

you feel sick to your stomach.

Because 80,000 people just witnessed you being

sexually assaulted, and that somehow got more

likes and comments than the ones where you enjoy it.

So maybe that's the key.

It doesn't really matter to the audience, or to the director,

or to the guy, if you're in pain, so long as you get the views,

and the paycheck.

Which he did.

And it also doesn't matter that,

although you were the one in pain,

he gets paid more.

And that sits with you the wrong way,

but you don't have time to say anything

about it, because you have another porn

video to shoot today.

Unlike before, today you are dreading it.

Because you will probably not like what's

going to happen today.

Did you ever?

No, not really. You only turned towards

pornography when you were a broke college

student just trying to get by so you could

become what you really wanted to be.

A doctor.

A surgeon, to be exact.

Because your life was saved by one.

Your mother had to have a C section,

and your life was in danger.

But a surgeon saved you, and

although you don't remember his face,

you will always be grateful to him.

And you want other people to feel the same

way about you as you do to the surgeon.

But first you have to make it through this damn

porn video.

When it's over, you don't stick around

the studio for very long.

Because although you told the guy what

you liked and what you didn't, and although he,

unlike the other guy,

listened to what you said,

you still felt the words and the searing pain

run through you.

Almost like PTSD.

But that's ridiculous because pornstars aren't

supposed to have PTSD.

And you can't tell anyone, because then you

might be fired.

And again, he gets the larger paycheck.

Even though you were the one who suffered.

You have been thankful to the surgeon who

saved your life every year on your birthday,

but as you walk to your car, unlock the door to

your car, to your apartment, throw your purse down,

turn the hot water on, step into the shower, and

you can't tell whether the water running down

your face is from the shower, or your eyes,

you curse the surgeon,

because it's his fault that you're alive.