Detour

Letter from the Heart #5

12/10/2017

Dear HD,

I'm completely bonkers, because I can't sleep a wink. I set my phone down an hour ago and I'm still tossing and turning after your "sweet dreams gorgeous" so here I am, desperate for rest and desperate for my heart to just stop.

I can't bear the future. It's literally eating me alive right now. I used to worry about the simple things of life like getting a job after college and paying off loans. Now I worry about crossing borders and leaving so much of my life behind. I'm scared witless and I can't exactly share it with you because it's my over reactive imagination running wild and thinking about things way beyond reason like wedding bells. Honestly, you're probably the most reasonable "crush" I've had in my life because we're actually good friends who talk daily and care about each other, but at the same time I've never even met you in person. I could scream.

To love you would be to leave the life I know, to say goodbye. I hate goodbyes, that's why I only say "goodnight" or "talk to you later." I'd be saying goodbye to my family. Goodbye to my best friend. Goodbye to the hours of my life spent in American history classes throughout my education that would then be useless. Everything I know would be a memory, and I could cry just thinking about it. The places and things I love about Home- goodbye.

Why? Because you're tethered to your country and I am not. And while I might complain about America it's what I know.

To love you I would have to be the one to give up my past. I've never been that selfless in my whole life, and I don't even know if I'm capable. But the fact that I care about you enough to think this means it's possible.

But why stop there when my brain could further torture me. You want kids. You could say you don't but you're an "aw how cute" baby fever kind of guy, I'm not blind. I'm not big on the idea of kids but I've always thought if the right person married me and wanted them, bigolly I'd figure motherhood out... maybe. However the circumstances are different for you, a military man. I don't want to be that wife who gets knocked up, left alone during her nine months of misery, and then returned to once the baby is born. And if I did have kids I wouldn't want their dad to be as absent as a career military man is. Why? Because even though my dad had an average job as a semi truck driver, he felt absent a lot of my childhood and I missed him dearly. Kids shouldn't feel weird calling their father "dad" because they hardly know the man. And military, heaven forbid, you could just die on me and kids. Not a life I want to set myself up for.

I've gone way too far I know. There's more thoughts spinning in my head than I want to admit. Things have escalated further than I wanted them to. If someone could hurry up and marry me down here in the states to take away my misery- I don't know that's about the only solution I can come up with. I don't want to chose between my life now and a future where absolutely everything is different. And it's all your fault HD. I want to love you, and at this point my deranged one in the morning brain even wants to marry you? Have kids for you?!?!

Over reactive imagination, please take this as nothing more, but honestly... kind of valid concerns. I'm a realist, and everything that has to do with you is so unreal I think you've broke me. Worst of all I can't sleep and we decided to skype tomorrow morning.

I need some serious help, my fantasy driven mind is going crazy after three years of no crush. I used to want my life to be a romance novel but at this point I'd almost give anything to go back to when I didn't have a boy to like. But that would mean forgetting you and that's even more tragic. Last letter I said I was the hopeless romantic and I was right, but right now I'm a hopeless wreck.

Exhausted and Falling Apart,
"Gorgeous" Kenzi