Detour

Letter From the Heart #4

8/15/2017

Dear HD,

I'm BACK. I know, so soon, it's only been a month. It would be a month to the day if I waited until midnight, but I'm too old for that poetic usage of time anymore. I probably would have done stuff like that in the past.

Here I am, can't stop thinking of you. And I know in the last letter I was sure you had just about made your leave, but you haven't. Holding your word I see. Or maybe it's just the snapchat streak keeping you going. I can't help feeling like there's got to be more though. The stupid inside jokes, and the way we know how to make the other smile.

I'm catching it aren't I? The dreaded feelings. And this is pretty bad for me, it's been a long time since I've let myself get this deep. I haven't had a crush in two YEARS. And those crushes were based on nothing, only acquaintances. I was really proud of myself. No one rattling around in my brain to waste my time and make me sad. Here I am, about to go back to school, been through a heck of a week with work, and... I'm wasting my time on you. 

It's sad really. I was sure I was stronger than this. But you are making me weak.

And I'm wondering if it's scaring you as much as it's scaring me.

That's probably not why you aren't replying right now, but best guess is you fell asleep pretty darn early. Oh well. I know you like sleep, I don't deprive people I care about of things they like. I am very selfish though, so getting huffy about it- expect it.

There's just so many problems attached to you for me to think about I could be up all night, so I'll get them out here in hopes I get a better night sleep. And it's all the things you said today that are making me feel for the first time in forever.

We've been joking about running off to faraway places to escape the problems of our countries, which no doubt is not a real solution but fun to think about. You mocked plane tickets with our names and I about fell out of my chair I was smiling so hard. We couldn't stop smiling and I asked you how we would ever stop and you said you hoped I never stopped.

I know it's immature to believe people only need happiness, Inside Out expressed the importance of facing all your emotions. It's that big picture. You're sincere wish for me to always find happiness in life. Wanting nothing more than someone else's happiness? Well, that's a lot like love.

And that word has me shaking in my boots because I've never said it to someone outside family and it's loaded with connotations and obligations. I know we aren't ready for that weight, but it's almost like the word is rolling on my tongue just thinking about you. Is it behind your closed mouth as well?

Unfortunately we can't afford to love each other Hopeless Distance. And that's the whole reason why I wasn't going to get attached to you in the first place. How could any of this work? I have two more years of school in my country, a job that requires a license and I'm licensed in my country, no passport to leave my country. How could I leave everything I've ever known for you? Or ask you to leave everything for me? And you're serving your country, signed on for many more years. And my mom has always said she'd be distraught if I moved, bet she never imagined me moving over a border. 

I just don't know how to ever make things work. I'm a young adult though, we don't know how anything works, just have to fake it until you make it. 

I can't fake this though. I want to date you. Go to restaurants together and go ice skating and see movies and I'm sorry that those things don't work well really long distance. I can't wipe your tears away when you're sad or laugh with you and see the light of joy first enter your eyes. The little things are thousands of miles out of reach.

And unfortunately it makes me sad. Because I've caught feelings and it's awful, but I'm also happy. Because even when you fall asleep on me (you just woke up and say you're sorry because you'd rather talk to me than sleep XD) you've been the person who was there for me the most this summer. Helping me survive my stressful family, lack of friends in my hometown, and transitioning in work. You've been supporting me, caring about me, and just talking to me. That's almost like a relationship, so I thank you for that. I have been unlucky with that in my life.

I've gone too far, I know I have. It's been 80 days talking to you. We aren't dating. We aren't "in love." But I think I really like you in a happy-sad way. I don't know how to cope with it, but I've come to terms with it at least. I'm the hopeless romantic this time. 

I don't know what else to say. If you ever do read this, it's all the things we're saying with our eyes trapped behind closed mouths. I'm not concerned, I think we're on the same page. Whether you read this or not it wouldn't change anything. We're trapped, and we're only human.

Hopelessly Having a Heart,

Kenzi :P