When?

22. "I love you."

A/N: Hey guys, so close to 500 reads and possibly the end of this story :( I want to thank all those who still read it, and I have a huge surprise for all the jarry (judith and harry) shippers next chapter! ily x

ps. the gif to the right absolutely killed me with this chapter :(

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Harry

 

She laid me down on my couch, resting my back against it, fixing the cushion to my best comfort. She then flashed me a smile that was so sad, so unreal, so incredibly forced. Her eyes were still reddened by the tears that had only recently stopped cascading down her beautiful face. The redness in her cheeks were just right, to almost light her up. The black dress covering her body, fit her in more ways than one. And if I could feel anything at all, I would have been electrified by her tender touch, mesmerized by her grieved beauty. One should never look this good while grieving. I wondered if I looked half as dead as I felt inside. A paralyzed mess of bottled emotions, broken, bruised, torn to shreds, with nothing left to offer, nothing more to lose. I could feel her moving around me, her presence not needing to be seen, in order to be acknowledged. She talked to people, offered them some tea, or perhaps something to eat, listening to them intently as they spoke about how wonderful she was, how worried they were about how I was handling it.

How was I handling it?

I wasn’t, that was how.

I had completely shut down, in each and every way possible. I was no longer functioning, waiting for my soul to departure my already lifeless body, relieving me of the darkness slowly taking over. Louis was there too. In my unconscious state of mind, I could hear him, comforting those whose loss was so little compared to mine, occasionally stealing anxious glances towards me, before shaking his head, with a defeated sigh. And then she’d appear by his side, giving him an encouraging embrace, or simply, a smile that could bring to life all that was ever dead.

But not her.

Not even Judith’s ever so lively smile could bring her back.

She was gone. Her, with her bright smile, those sparkling green eyes, that golden heart that always held hope, faith, and all that was ever good about this messed up world. That heart had now come to a stop. I would have given anything, literally, anything, if it meant I’d have her back. If I had known, if only I had known I’d lose her that soon, I would have spent all the time life offered, beneath her feet, showering her with love and gratitude, and still, it wouldn’t have been enough.

“ Harry,” Her voice was laced with worry, watching, as I brought my knees to my chest, resting my head against my colliding knees, shaking back and forth.

“ Harry.” This time, it was a mere plea for me to not shut down, to not scare her. I shook my head, rejecting the approaching breakdown, denying the loss that was too scary to be real.

“ Please. Talk to me. Let it out. I’m here, and I need you to talk to me. I need to help you, Harry, I can’t- I can’t-“ And she was crying. My Judith was crying, and I swear, if I had any power left in me at all, I would have been comforting her, but I had nothing. Absolutely nothing. Her arms were then wrapping around me, enveloping my relatively large figure, as she kept the world away. Her smell was intoxicating, fulfilling all my senses’ craves. Her embrace would have been suffocating, if it wasn’t so safe, so warm, so delicate. An unfamiliar cry for help saturated the thick air surrounding us, followed by several sobs, accompanied by screaming. And I never would have thought I’d be the source of it all.

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Louis helped me change into my pijamas, exiting the room shortly after, leaving me sitting on the edge of my own bed. His eyes never looked at me for too long, and I knew, it was hard on him as it was on me. “I’m sorry I can’t help you, Louis.” I so desperately wanted to tell him, but I couldn’t. All words were lost, all desire to live had departure, and I had turned into a hollowed out figure. Her head then protruded through my door, her hair falling flawlessly onto her shoulders, a cautious smile on her lips, as she spoke to me. I couldn’t quite listen into her conversation, because I was too sunk into the movement of her pink lips.

“ Lay down, Harry.” She instructed, laying my own body down for me, because I was that powerless. The thought of going to sleep without hearing her “goodnight baby boy, sleep well, love you.” was excruciating to me, unbearable even. And suddenly, I didn’t want to sleep. Judith was walking away, but I held her hand, the way I did on that night, when we were at the bar. That was less than 24 hours ago, but it felt like I had aged a thousand years since. She tilted her head backwards, her eyes looking into my own, and everything I wanted to say but was unable to, was still heard by her, loud and clear, as she nodded understandingly. She put her hand on mine, before pulling away, as if telling me that it was okay. She took off her shoes, before laying down beside me, turning to her side so that she was facing me.

“ I’ll lay with you, alright?” I turned to face her, my eyes shutting, mostly to imprison the tears that were threatening to escape, because if I had started to cry again, I feared I’d never be able to stop.

“ Goodnight, Harry.” And if words could kill, this one would have, with its high resemblance to my mum’s. I squeezed my eyes tighter. I was then pulled into arms that I had longed for, steady heartbeats echoing through my ears, as her fingers moved through my hair, occasionally pulling at the roots.

“ I love you.” And I didn’t know why I was ever mad at her. And I didn’t know why I ever thought I could survive her loss. It all dissolved into those three words, as I drifted to sleep, listening to the lullaby her heart played only for me. And I didn’t know how I had ever slept before when she wasn’t here, and I wasn’t in her arms.