When?

12. "He loves you too, you know."

Judith

Resting my head on Louis’ lap, as occasional sniffles slipped past me, I seemed unable to bottle it all up inside me, there was simply no more space for any further pain.  It was an unfamiliar warmth that I felt, when he put his hand to my head, pulling me to lay down, as he delicately ran his hand along the length of my arm. His touch was tender,  soothing even, but he wasn’t Harry. And he would never be. No one ever would be.

“ I’ve been thinking of drugs a lot since yesterday, I can’t keep anything down, I have no control over my nerve system whatsoever, my head is pounding in such a way that I can’t even hear beyond it. I think my body is detoxicating itself, but I – I am not sure I want it to. Todd’s been calling me, and that was why I left my phone, because I didn’t want to give in, but in a way, I want to. I feel like I’m going fucking nuts, Louis, I have never felt this chaos when it came to what I felt, but right now, I can’t name one humanly feeling, because it’s almost as if I have them all at the same goddamn time.” I wasn’t talking to anyone in particular, and I wasn’t sure I even wanted him to listen. I just had to release a portion of what was going on inside me before it had devoured me whole.

“ Drugs isn’t the answer though, and we both know it, Judith. I don’t know what the fuck you’re doing being away with Harry, he’s clearly the only one who could have kept you in one piece, and the same goes for you. He hadn’t been himself lately, and I’m afraid he’ll never be able to go back to how progressed he was if he doesn’t have you. Hell, even I am confused whether I should bring you together, or tear you both apart. It’s just- with you, he’s more like Harry; the Harry we all know and want to keep, and when he lost you- lets just say, he can barely recognize himself. He can’t seem to define himself, because in so many ways, you were what reminded Harry of the Harry he could be.”

“ What if I consumed all the Harry traits he had to offer, and left him void, with nothing more to offer? No one else to be?”

“ Then we’re fucked I guess.” How honest, and effortless his answer was, caused me to giggle at the dark irony of the situation.

“ Do you even think Todd loves you the way you deserve to be loved?” He said, after silence had settled in.

“ How do I deserve to be loved? Do I even deserve to be loved at the first place?”

“ Everybody does I guess. And you deserve someone who loves you as a whole, Judith, someone who’d go to the end of the fucking globe to try to fix you, someone who can make you smile effortlessly, someone who’d hold you when you cry, and who’s able to read you like an open book without you needing to say anything. You deserve someone who doesn’t force you into drugs and drinking yourself till you can no longer function.”

“ Then no.” I didn’t think Todd loved me. I wasn’t sure I even loved him. He just made me feel good about myself, he was a place that I knew I should never run to, but sometimes, it felt like it was the only place for me to go. He was my easy way out.

“ He loves you too, you know.” And my heart started racing, and my mind began to dysfunction, and I was in no way capable of processing what he was trying to say.

“ Todd?” I had hoped, yet, I didn’t.

“ Harry.” And his words were never so certain, and his name was never so reassuring.  Yet, I couldn’t possibly allow myself to obey to that hope arousing in my foolish, broken heart.

“ No, Louis, he said it himself, he just doesn’t like me that way. And I get that. I do. I just- I used to be so scared of being rejected, Louis, of not being enough, of the person whom I love, leaving me for someone better, but with Harry, I lost all that. My fear was drowned by his reassuring words every time he told me that I was the most beautiful girl he had ever laid eyes on. And for one fucking second, I wasn’t scared anymore, and I kissed him. And it all went downhill from there. He doesn’t love me, Louis. You don’t do that to someone you love.” I lifted my head off his lap, running a hand through my hair to tame the mess it had turned to.

“ Maybe he loves you so much that he has no love left for himself. Maybe he thinks you’re too good for him, or he’s not enough for you. Maybe, just maybe, he is the one who’s scared, not you.” I never thought of it that way. Harry had no reason to be scared though. He was fucking perfect for God’s sake.

“ Harry? Not good enough for me? Come on, Louis, what could I possibly have that Harry doesn’t? I am fucked up, and he knows that more than anybody else.”

“ Who said he isn’t?”

Harry wasn’t fucked up.

Sure, he was a bit antisocial, and he tended to disclose himself into a shell that only very few people could crack open.

Sure, he wasn’t a great talker, but he was one hell of a listener.

Yes, he preferred books over people, and yes, he had panic attacks whenever around a number of strangers.

Yes, he used to have nightmares, and spend his nights wondering about the secrets of life and why God created him the way he did.

But all that didn’t make him fucked up, it just made him different. Unique. One of a kind. And therefore, perfect.

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A/N: we didn't exactly get 200 reads but I couldn't not update so here it is! Tell me what you think please please please, ily x