eng | coffee and gingerbread | hopega

§ hesitation §

The creamy smell of Mocha Latte overtook the whole coffee counter. After knowing Hoseok, I have a new hobby that I never skip practicing : watching him brew coffee. Not only it's a cardio workout for the heart, it's also a great exercise for the mind. It also requires great concentration because sometimes I would stop looking at the coffee filter and turn to him, and I'd find his gaze on me and his lips curling up, friendly reminding me that I lost my focus again. "The lesson is not here," he would tap on his cheekbone, keeping eye contact with me.

I hate when he says that. I feel like having the wrong idea each time.

Days down to Christmas are counted on the finger tips.
While my work is still a mess. Luckily, my group decided to take a week off so everybody can breathe. No worry, no panic. I followed the decision without hesitating. Little did they know I'm planning to take an even longer break than them very shortly. I'm done working with dumb people.

__

Hoseok taught me to brew Chai latte today. He said he should have a control on my caffein input, and that my three-coffee-a-day routine is too much. 
While having the tea, I figured out what smell would suit Hoseok the best.
The sweet smell of spices brewed in a cup of milk. 

As warm as how a hug would be.

Four months have gone by, and how long does it take for a stranger to be an acquaintance, for an acquaintance to be a friend?
Or more than friend?

"Gemütlich", Hoseok said. "Hm?"

Comfortable atmosphere, coziness. That's a German word.

He carried on, carefully pouring the hot, refined almond milk in the cup. 

"When do you feel the most comfortable?", I asked. 

"When I am with people I love."

People he loves.

"The one you baked for?"

This question. It slipped out of my mouth before I could catch it. Unbelievable. It really slipped out of my mouth!

The question that I buried deep inside of me, the question that I've tried to forget everyday because the answer was so evident to me. And now, just in a split second, it dropped into the cup of tea where my image lies reflected. Not even silently, but loudly.

I kept my eyes down. This shade of beige color suddenly became an interesting subject. Haha funny. What if I get myself a scarf of the same color? I'd wear it everyday to remember the kind of mistake I made today. 

"Yeah." 

I took a sip of the tea. A strong smell of spices was in it, but the same bitterness of the Cappuccino I had that day stood out once again. 

__

I received a call from him when I was packing my bag. I've planned to go back home to see my family, though I haven't booked the train ticket yet. I didn't know what was holding me back. The more I wait, the more expensive the ticket will get. I should get home fast and come back quickly, so Hoseok could taste my mom's food. She also likes baking a lot. 

Hoseok said he will wait for me at the café.
But it is eleven in the night? The shop closes at nine thirty. What was he doing?
I decided not to stand dull any longer, just hurried to dress up and walk to the café. 
I should have taken the bus or something... But I also didn't think that I'd be patiently resting until then. I was strangely anxious, but also excited. Something told me that a turn would take place today, but the feeling was still too vague for me to believe.

The dim light from Hoseok's café through the glass-windows looks so "gemütlich."
From here, I could see him at the counter. 

He was smiling. Those fingers dancing lightly on the wooden plank.
He looked so happy.
But why seeing him made my heart ache?

I fell so hard for him. 
I like Hoseok. I like him a lot.
I sound weird but not a day goes by without his smell playing with my mind.
To the point where I could go insane if I don't see him a day. 

Should I just stop being a coward, give it all up and tell him everything, confess everything and accept the consequences if there are any? Bless my confidence, I dare to think that consequences are only hypothetical and not a certain result. There's no way Hoseok would accept someone like me. I'm not saying he deserves better but he actually does. I have to work on myself though... I can't just thoughtlessly put my things on display. Losing Hoseok would be the least thing I want to do. 

If it is so, it would be very difficult for me to stand up again, to face my life alone again.

His smile melted into the tender yellow lights as he looked at me through the window.