I Told You, I'm A Monster

Chapter Sixteen

Hoseok remembers how he reacted the last time he had to tell a doctor about his past. With a shudder, he recalls the doctor with the bloody nose and clutching his arm, the nurses all backed up against the walls to get away from him, the furniture strewn all over the room, a mess of shattered glass and pens and papers everywhere. The way he'd seen all of that within a matter of a couple of seconds before he'd been shot with a sedative and blacked out.

He doesn't recall what happened when he woke up after that, but he does know that that day is the reason why he started beating himself instead of other people.

Knowing he has no other choice, he adjusts in his seat as well as he can with one of his wrists cuffed to the table and closes his eyes, bowing his head as he calls to mind that fateful day.

"Appa loves you, Hoseok. Appa loves you so much, baby. You're so good for Appa. Always so good and so tight. You take Appa's cock so well. I fucking love you, baby." Over and over. In and out. Brutally fast. A torturous rhythm that was forever ingrained in Hoseok's mind.

"Appa no, please no more, it hurts!" Hoseok screamed and writhed under his father as he fucked him raw. Hoseok could feel the blood and cum beginning to cover his ass and thighs, and he was crying hysterically, barely able to breathe because it hurt so bad.

"Shh, baby, shh. Appa loves you. That's why I do this, baby. I fucking love you so goddamn much." With a groan, he finished inside his son and left him lying there. "Clean yourself up. We have company coming over soon."

"Wh-what kind of company?" Hoseok sniffled. In the Jung household, there were two kinds of guests: The kind that met with his father for actual business dealings, and the kind that paid him to abuse Hoseok in whichever way(s) they saw fit.

"Mr. Choi is coming. Oh for God's sake Hoseok-ah, clean yourself up. He won't want to touch you if you're covered in blood." With a sneer, he threw a towel at his son and left the room without another word.

Hoseok hated Mr. Choi. He liked putting wigs and women's clothes on Hoseok when he abused him. Called him feminine nicknames and derogatory terms. None of the other men did that. Hoseok knew, though, that if he didn't comply to his father's wishes, it would be worse on him.

He was fifteen. This had gone on for nearly ten years, ever since his dear mother passed away. His father hated Hoseok for reminding him of her. Yet he claimed he loved his son. What Hoseok hated the most was that in some twisted way, he'd started to believe his father. He hated him, and he hated himself. He knew better than to take his hatred out on himself, though, because his father liked him naked when he abused him, and any mark he found that wasn't by his hand would add to the number of times he got hit with the whip.

All of this went through Hoseok's head as he forced himself to get up and go to the bathroom to wet the towel so he could clean himself up. At that moment, he looked in the mirror. He saw an emaciated, pale, miserable child who had lost the will to live. Fresh tear tracks were on his face. His lips were dry and chapped. His cheeks were hollow from the way his father starved him. He looked nothing like the kids he went to school with. They were all happy. He wasn't. He couldn't go on living this way.

Hoseok is hyperventilating as he relives that horrible day, and he rocks back and forth. "Hoseok, relax. You're not there. You're here. You're doing good." Dr. Zhang's voice is soothing and soft as he attempts to calm down his patient. "Now take a deep breath, and then tell me the rest. Tell me what happened after you cleaned yourself up." Hoseok nods and, after taking more than one deep breath, closes his eyes and tearfully recalls the rest.

He couldn't go on living this way. Any future with him continuing to get abused the way he had was not something Hoseok wanted. Any future with his father there to continually rape and torture and starve him wasn't something he wanted.