Finding Home (Zak Bagans Daughter)

Chapter Nineteen

That hurt.

I sat on the edge of my bed not caring whether the blanket would get it wet or not. I just looked at myself in the mirror on my wall and glared at myself.

I silently watched as a tear slowly made its way down my cheek and dripped off my face with the help of the tear that followed its trail.

I harshly wiped the remaining tears off my face and looked away from myself in the mirror. Next, I took off my wet and cold clothes and put on my favorite fuzzy socks, pajama shorts, and an over sized T-shirt.

I silently walked back and forth in my room, deciding whether I should go downstairs and talk to Zak so I could explain myself, or let it sit overnight and sleep on it and hope it blows over. I decided to go with the first one. He needed to understand where I was coming from.

I slowly opened my door and peaked outside into the hallway; it was clear. Then, I looked downstairs from the stairway, but Zak wasn't anywhere in my view. I crept downstairs and looked around, he wasn't in the kitchen, or outside, nor was he in his room or the dining room, but I could hear a TV.

As I walked further down the hallway of the first floor, the sound of the TV became louder with each step. As soon as I walked into the doorway of what Zak called his "Man Cave" I saw him, slouched in front of the TV playing some game on his phone.

He'd changed his clothes since I last saw him. He was now wearing plaid pajama pants, and a black T-shirt. I knocked on the wall, alerting him I was standing in the doorway. He didn't even look at me; he just kept staring at his phone and sighed.

"Go to bed Charlie"

I groaned. "You need to listen to my side of the story"

He still wasn't looking at me; instead he put his phone down and turned his attention to the TV.

"Are you serious right now? You're not even going to listen to me?"

He shook his head, barely acknowledging me.

I huffed and stood in front of the TV, purposely blocking his view, and diverting his attention to me. Now he was looking at me, but he looked completely uninterested in what I was trying to tell him.

"You need to listen to me! So stop being a dick" I started.

His eyes widened as he finally diverted his attention towards me. "Excuse me?"

I nodded.

"Yea, I need you to back off. And before you say anything you need to listen why" I paused and waited for him to nod to continue, when he did nothing I took it as a sign.

"Okay. As you know, I had a horrible upbringing; meaning I had little to none parental guidance" he nodded.

"Also meaning, I don't know what I am doing, and I'm sure neither do you."

He shrugged his shoulder, most likely implying he was agreeing with what I was saying so far.

"You were right, in Phoenix I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. If I got into a fight with Marion, one of us would end up storming out of the apartment and find somewhere else to stay the night, which was usually me. I've never had anyone go out of their way to know where I was or help me; I'm not used to any of this treatment. I'm not perfect dad, and neither are you. I am trying my best to do whatever you want and I am trying to be a good daughter for an amazing father. I promise I won't leave without your permission again, and I promise to not break your trust again. I'm so sorry dad, I really am; can you forgive me?"

I had probably rehearsed this speech in my head a hundred times. I was feeling awful about hurting him and breaking his trust.

He looked guilty. I'm sure he felt bad about lashing out on me, but I definitely deserved it.

He stood up from the couch and hugged me. I loved hugging him. I never really felt protected growing up and every time he hugged me, I would always feel warm and safe. Every time he hugged me he always smelt the same, he always smelt like home; nice, safe, clean and warm.

"I'm sorry" I mumbled. "I didn't mean to upset you, really I just-"

"It's okay" he cut me off. "I'm glad you've learned your lesson Charlie, but I swear to god, and I mean it. If you ever do this again, forgiveness will not be as easy as this" he warned.

I nodded.

"Now go to bed, you're probably tired, because I know I am"

I yawned, implying what he already knew; I was exhausted.

Zak followed me as I walked upstairs and turned off the all the lights to the first floor with one switch after he reached the top. Just before I walked into my room, I turned around and faced him.

"Do you really not believe why I almost jumped off the roof of the asylum?" I asked.

He sharply turned toward my direction. When he made eye contact he sighed.

"Of course I believe you, it's almost happened to me before too. A couple months ago I lost control of my body and start choking myself with my own hands, I barely remember it"

I was definitely feeling relieved now, but I still had one question to ask.

"Then why didn't you say you believed me?"

He was looking down now.

"Because I was mad. I'm sorry Charlie I do this all the time. I get mad and I say mean and hurtful things to the people I care about just to anger them more."

I smiled a little.

"Its okay, we all do it. At least we talked about it."

He smiled at me, and whispered goodnight, but just before he went into his room I called out.

"How long until after a lockdown do you feel your normal self again?"

He gave me a weird look "Do you still have the Phantom Phlu?"

I didn't wanna lie to Zak, but I also didn't want to worry him.

"Yeah, it just won't go away" I faked a smile.

"Weird, it should've been gone by now. Here, let me get some stuff that helps me sleep after a lockdown."

He walked further into his room and out of view and came back with a small bottle of herbal pills.

"These always so the trick for me" he smiled. "Now go to bed! It's getting late!" he said and closed the door to his room behind him. A few seconds later his bedroom light shut off and I was standing in the dark in complete silence.

I dreadfully looked at the pills and sighed, there was no way these were going to help me sleep tonight. Knowing that, I still took some just to calm down my nerves.

After I took two of the pills using the tap water from my bathroom, I walked into my room and sat on the edge of my bed; waiting for the herbs to do their job.

I put my face in my hands and let out a small whimper. I couldn't explain it, I felt so powerless. She was everywhere. Every time I closed my eyes I saw her, or even when my eyes were open. She is always in the darkest corner of the room, just watching me. I can't sleep, not when I see her. I can hear her in my head, taunting me, telling me horrible things. She is pure evil. Her laugh echoes through my head, repeating itself over and over again like a broken record. I was going crazy. I don't know how I've been able to pull it together for so long.

Unwillingly, my eyes began to shut themselves due to my extreme exhaustion. Before I knew it I was passed out. Not knowing the horrors to come.