Apartment Infinity

An Infinite Number of Men and a Baby

PU Doug Nine sits in his wheelchair and tries to lean forward to take a sip of his beer through a straw. This is a difficult task due to his full body cast. He Glares at Doug who sits across from him, drinking a beer with ease.

Doug is too busy watching Pu Doug Five and PU Doug Six bickering as they sit on the mattress watching television to notice PU Doug Nine’s glare.

“I can believe you did that to what has to be the only male here who could get pregnant,” PU Doug Five grumbles.

“That’s just more proof that it wasn’t gay,” PU Doug Six says with pride.

“It was still wrong,” PU Doug Five bitterly adds.

Pu Doug Six shrugs his shoulders as PU Doug Two waddles across the room with his giant pregnant belly.

If it wasn’t for the fact that he’s a man, and an unattractive man at that, or the fact that he’s tall, hairy, and pale, he is a dead ringer for Ellen Page Juno, pretty much meaning he wears a hoody, a striped shirt and is very pregnant. He looks much healthier than when he was dying under the blankets.    

He walks across the mattress and takes his spot in between PU Doug Five and PU Doug Six. “Are either of you going to the store anytime soon? I could really go for some ice cream with Magic Shell.”

“Oh Christ, if you’re going to start asking for things like that I may have to run down to the store to get a pack of smokes and some milk,” PU Doug Five says as he reaches down for a porno magazine from his stack.

“You can’t smoke around us. He’s with baby, and I’d prefer to live past 40,” PU Doug Five bitches.

“I don’t care; he can smoke outside, just as long as I get my ice cream and magic shell,” PU Doug Two insists.

“You guys both totally missed the point. You see, an abandoning father used to say…” PU Doug Six starts only to be interrupted by a shriek of pain and shock.

Both PU Doug Five and PU Doug Six look terrified as they feel themselves getting soaked from PU Doug Two’s water breaking.

“Bad,” PU Doug Six yells as he rolls up his porno magazine and smacks PU Doug Two on the nose, “bad.”

“Owe shit, stop,” PU Doug Two says as he bats the magazine away. His eyes widen in pain, “Holy shit, get me to the hospital,” PU Doug Two yells.

PU Doug Five jumps to his feet and prepares to help PU Doug Two.

“Nope, that won’t work,” Doug says as he points back and forth between himself and PU Doug Nine as if to remind him how the world works past the threshold of the apartment.

“We’ll what can we do,” PU Doug Five yells as PU Doug Two starts to do his Lamaze breathing.

A crowd of PU Dougs begin to gather to see what’s going on.

“We should give him a water birth,” PU Doug Eleven says as he turns to reveal that he is a Homeopathic Doctor version of Doug.

“But I just cleaned the…” PU Doug Five starts to say.

“Get it out of me,” PU Doug Two yells in pain.

“Fine, water birth, whatever, let’s go,” PU Doug Five says as he helps PU Doug Five to his feet. “Come on, you’re the father,” he adds as he waves for PU Doug Six to follow.

PU Doug Six begrudgingly follows, “Fine.”

All the other Doug’s in the room emotions range from startled to disgusted to touched some are even impressed by this bit of information about the coupling.

Doug stands and makes his way through the crowd. “I have to see this nonsense.”

PU Doug Two is in the bathtub filled with water. PU Doug Eleven sits at the side of the tub doing his best to help PU Doug Two with the delivery. PU Doug Five and PU Doug Six stand behind PU Doug Eleven with the rest of the Dougs, including as they watch the miracle that is man birthing.

“So which hole are we supposed to be looking at,” PU Doug Six nonchalantly asks?

PU Doug Five looks annoyed at first, but before he can muster up the rage to yell at PU Doug Six for joking at a time like this, he realizes that he has no idea either and shrugs his shoulders.

PU Doug Two lets out a scream.

All the Dougs look terrified as the question as to which hole to look at is answered.

Doug starts to get woozy.

“It’s a boy,” PU Doug Eleven announces.

“I get to cut that thing right,” PU Doug Six asks? He reaches into his pocket, retrieves his pocket knife, whips it open and approaches the umbilical cord.

Doug passes out.

After being out cold for a half hour Doug wakes to find himself alone in the bathroom. He pushes himself up from the ground. As he looks around the room to get his bearings he notices the mess of fluids in the bath tub. This causes him to pass out again.

Another half hour passes and he wakes again. This time he heads straight to the door without looking around.

He burst through the door to see PU Doug Two, PU Doug Fix and PU Doug Six lying on the mattress entertaining the baby as if they were a happy family.

“We decided to name him Doug,” PU Doug Five announces.