French Teacher

Chapter 36

My blood couldn't help but boil visualising the possibility in my head. I felt hurt on my own, questioning where our relationship had come to for him to ignore me for who-knows-how long while he'd be too busy playing hooky with a random girl in school. I felt completely and utterly abandoned and pushed a side. And although I've considered the thought that I was partly to blame, it still stun like hell, seeing how he's already going by his life and how he just easily forgotten all about me; how it seemed like it was so easy for him to cast me a side and move on. Plus, I was already feeling the abandonment with Kalvin, but now I had to feel it again but with my best friend this time.

I felt as though the world was completely against me; that everything was turning into this big pile of shit right before my eyes. My emotions about everything had been getting powerful and powerful. It was getting harder and harder for me to control.

Before I knew it I had already walked up to him in such a fast pace. When I reached him I roughly took hold of his arm, not even aware that I've held my breath.

Lloyd was startled, he was showing me his deep brown eyes completely. I could tell by his sudden stiff frame he did not expect me at all today.

I was too busy flaming that I didn't realise I had came over to him without a plan sketched in my head. It took a second before I remembered that I had been feeling extremely awkward around him.

His eyes searched for an explanation from my sudden confrontation. I was also questioning myself the exact same thing.

I knew my expression had gotten softer, more vulnerable and childlike. I realized, as I was looking at Lloyd with his wondering and unfamiliar eyes, I missed him.

I missed his jokingly matter towards me, how he could make me laugh and knew exactly what kind of humor he'd craft to lighten my mood, how he knew everything about me and what to do at certain situations, how he was one of the few people I knew I could count on whenever I felt lost, scared and hopeless. He was one of the few I trusted, I considered as family and someone I knew who would be there for me forever.

The bitter thought saddened me more than anything in the world. In a way, it deepened the hole in me that's been causing me despair. I wanted to cry; to throw a tantrum on why he's been acting off, especially when I needed him the most. I felt like I lost my best friend, my brother, for no apparent reason. It was as though, the world just literally had nothing better to do, so it thought; why not just fuck Penny Ray over? It was all bullshit.

"I'm not stupid." I began, letting my emotion and bittered thoughts take control. "I don't know if I even know you anymore. It sucks. Because it makes me hate myself, so much, in every possible way. It makes me feel like a bad friend because I don't even know what's happening anymore and I hate the fact that it seemed like you've change, and I'm shocked, and it embodies the fact I haven't been paying attention, and it makes it more suckish than it already is, not only for me but also for you."

Lloyd was going to speak, but I wasn't going to let him cu'z I already hated him too, which seemed rather unfair but sometimes you feel things that doesn't even need justifications. You just feel them and you let them in because feelings are better felt than hidden. We don't always need to understand it, we just need to accept it.

"I know." I said pressingly. "You have your reasons. I'm not special, you must be going through somethings too but you're my best friend."

In that moment, my entire body just felt cold. My heart especially. My eyes felt shakey, but I wasn't going to cry. The emotions were just so consuming that even my eyes were showing it. Every single part of my body felt it rushing. It was as though I wasn't even a human with actual organs, vessels, cells and bones anymore. I was pure skin containing solid air filled with powerful emotions.