Simula
"THAT'S it Heanndra! I've had enough of you! You're going home to the Philippines!" Umalingawngaw ang matinis niyang sigaw na siyang bumasag sa katahimikan ng buong bahay.
Right. Ilang ulit niya na akong binabantaan na ibabalik niya ako sa Pilipinas tuwing may nagagawa akong mali. Seriously? Ngayon pa ba ako matatakot?
Tumigil ako sa pag-akyat sa hagdan at nilingon siya. Magulo ang medyo blonde niyang buhok at namumula na ang kanyang mukha tanda na galit na galit na talaga siya.
Ayoko ng makipagtalo kaya imbes na sumagot ng pabalang sa kanya, huminga na lang ako ng malalim saka nagsalita.
"Mom, the important thing is I'm okay."
She fake a laugh at huminga rin ng malalim.
"Ngayon okay ka. Paano bukas? Sa susunod na bukas? Ano? Magiging basagulera kana naman?" Galit galit niyang sabi habang nakatingin sa akin.
"I am okay Mom. Can we please just stop talking about this? Tapos na kasi. Nangyari na, ano pa ba magagawa natin?" Paliwanag ko. Pagod na ako. I just want to sleep and rest.
"What's your reason? Why did you do that?" Tanong nanaman niya ulit. I rolled my eyes and groaned. Fuck, not again.
"Mom I told you it was not me—"
"Tungkol pa rin ba ito kay Kristoff?" Mahinang tanong niya. Bumagsak ang balikat ko nang marinig ang pangalan na binanggit niya.
Yumuko ako at hindi na sumagot. I would deny para matapos na ang pag-uusap namin pero alam ko naman sa sarili ko na totoong may kinalaman nga si Kristoff sa nangyayari sa akin ngayon.
"Anak naman..." pagod na sabi niya. Nakita ko ang namumuong luha sa gilid ng mga mata niya.
"He won't be here to fix you again okay? Bigyan mo naman ng chance ang sarili mong mag move on. Kinukulong mo ang sarili mo." Pagpapatuloy niya.
I suddenly felt my blood rising up sa ulo ko. Pumikit ako ng mariin bago nagsalita. Ayoko na sinasagot ng pabalang si Mommy at mas lalong ayaw ko na pinagtataasan siya ng boses.
"I know Mom. You don't have to tell me about it. Just do whatever you want with me. Huwag mo na lang akong pilitin na kalimutan ang lahat. You know I won't do any of that." Pagtatapos ko. I didn't even wait for her to respond.
Ayaw ko rin namang marinig ang sasabihin niya. The more I answer the more she will fire questions and I am tired of it all. I don't want her to worry about me. That's the least I could do as her companion here. But trouble always find it's way to me.
She's a famous fashion designer here in California. Everyone was curious kung bakit kami lang ang nandito sa California, well the reason is that my Mom left to chase her dreams not knowing that she was pregnant with me.
Mom wanted to be a fashion designer so much. Noong tatlo pa lang ang anak nila ni Dad she decided to apply for a scholarship in fashion designing. Dad, as a supportive husband did everything he can para maabot rin ni Mom ang pinapangarap niya. Dahil magaling naman si Mom kaya natanggap siya. She took classes for two years while carrying me inside her tummy.
Dad and my brothers wanted also to migrate here para sama-sama na kaming lahat dito but Dad being the second son of my Grandparents was assigned to manage our family's business kaya hindi niya rin maiwan ang Pilipinas.
So, me and Mom just stayed here. That's why malaya ko ring nagagawa ang lahat ng gusto ko dahil palagi namang wala si Mom dito sa bahay. She's either out of the country for business trips or she's at her studio at New York.
The only day na makakauwi siya ay kung kailan niya gusto or kung may nagawa akong nakakahiya which are unintentional, almost all. She's suddenly going home to settle every shits I made.
Kasi nga, she's famous. She will use all her connections para lang maayos ang gulo ko. And I guess that's an advantage for my side. Thanks to her also.
I don't blame Mom kung bakit ako ganito. I totally understand how busy she is. Ginagawa niya naman lahat ng ito para may maganda siyang buhay na maibibigay sa akin.
It's just that nasa akin lang talaga ang problema. I can't move on from everything that happened two years ago.
Two years ago na Heanndra. Two years na ang lumipas, kailan ka pa ba magsisimula muli?
I sometimes ask myself that question. Ilang beses ko na bang naitanong iyan sa sarili ko? I don't even know? Everyday maybe?
Countless times siguro?
But everytime I think about moving on laging nagre-replay sa utak ko lahat. Lahat, mula sa simula hanggang sa katapusan.
And that's when I realized na hindi ko pala kaya.
Hinding hindi ko kaya. At kahit kailan hindi ko kakayanin kasi takot ako. I felt guilty. I felt responsible for everything that happened.
That's why nobody can tell me to move on, because even I, can't tell myself to move on.
