Finding Paramore

Chapter Seven: Secrets

Hayley

I've been in bed all day. I skipped school today, and probably will tomorrow as well. Mom gets home so late, she didn't find out I left school early yesterday. I know she will though. The school isn't that stupid; they'll probably call her soon enough. When they do, there will be questions about why I left school. I'll have to tell her.

I have five missed calls from Josh, two from Zac, and four from Jeremy. I know they are just worried, but there is always the chance that the news got to them already, and they know about the few scars lining my wrists. I'm scared that they'll be mad, or think a it's stupid thing to do to yourself. Then there's Taylor. He knows very well, and tried to stand up for me, and I ran away. Soon I'll have to start the project with him, and that'll be so awkward.

My hair is messy, my body curled into a ball, and my eyes red. You could mistake it as a bad breakup if you didn't know the details. I haven't eaten anything big since early yesterday, but I'm not hungry. I've been listening to a lot of music, sleeping, and staring into nothing. I'm not sure which one is suppose to be the most productive.

I panic when I hear the doorbell ring from downstairs. It could be one of my friends, and I'm not wearing any makeup, birds are looking at my hair to borrow for a temporary home, and I look like I haven't slept in three days. Even though that's far from true, I'm exhausted. I can just wait until they leave, though. It could just be a delivery on something, too. If it is, I think I'll wait for Mom to get it, because I'm not looking to get up any time soon.

The person won't go away though, so I decide I need to get up and at the very least, see who it is. I run my fingers through my hair, pulling it into a tight pony tail, and throw a sweater over my old t shirt. My sweat pants will have to do. Then, as fast as humanly possible, I splash cold water in my face, dry it, and walk down the stairs. Looking through the peep hole, the familiar face belongs to Josh.

I sigh, slowly opening the door to a concerned looking Josh. Man, I really worried him. "Hayley, are you okay?" he asks me quickly. "Where have you been?"

"Here," I respond tapping the door with my two fingers. "Did Taylor tell you why?"

"No. I asked and he told me that it isn't his story to tell. He is a good guy, really...I don't know. Just a really good guy," Josh explains looking down at his feet. When he says this, I feel a pain stab me straight in the heart, as if Josh might think I have a thing for Taylor. Because of this, I reach for his hand, and entwine our fingers together. When he looks up at me in confusion, I gently pull him into the house, shut the door, and lead him up the stairs to my room.

"You should sit down," I suggest to him. After we are both sitting on the bed, an awkward distance separating us, I pull my sweater sleeve up, and take my bracelets off, holding my wrist out. I feel Josh tense up, looking completely speechless and hurt. "I haven't done it in nine months. Three guys were harassing me, poking me all over and telling me to kill myself. Taylor's locker is near mine and he saw, so he told them to back off. They didn't listen of course, and one guy pulled my bracelets off, revealing my old scars, and starting screaming about it," I admit softly.

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" he asks pulling me into a hug. A tear of his falls as I try not to cry myself, but he is my boyfriend and all. I know I should've told someone last school year, Josh was my best friend then too, and he knew everything going on except for my cutting.

"I was scared, I didn't know how people would react. It was so stupid to hurt myself, I know," I say into his neck. It does sound stupid. I mean, a lot happened last year, but I self harmed a few times. It's a lot to process for even me, to be quite honest. "I'm sorry,"