Open Letters To...

Ch. 1: An Open Letter to an Absent Dad

I used to spend nights laying awake wondering what I did to make you leave. I used to eat my sadness away. I used to wait for you to show up during the holidays.. or on the weekends after you promised to come see me. You were always late, or you canceled, or sometimes.. most of the time.. you just never showed.

I was so young Dad, why?

My superhero soon became the villain in my story. Your job got replaced by someone who should have never had to step up to the plate that you left.... YOU left.

I used to spend weekends visiting you; you couldn't not show up to those visits though.. could you? I should have never had to go through pat down security just to see my own father. I waited for years on you. All the missed birthdays, the tear soaked pillows, the empty promises, and materialistic bought love.

From 'Daddy' to 'Dad'... just like that.

It took me twenty years. Twenty. Years. To realize that I didn't need you anymore. It took you finding a new family, threatening the ones I loved, and leaving me to sit alone at the funeral of the man who took your place.

You've apologized, you demanded a DNA test, you've criticized, but more importantly.. you broke my heart well before I should have known what heartbreak was.

But... Now I don't worry, I don't cry, I don't call.. I don't wait for you anymore Dad. I don't expect you to walk me down the aisle, pay for my wedding, be the shoulder I lean on when I go through sadness.. I don't expect you to be any of that.

... I guess what I'm trying to say, is thank you.

Thank you for showing me at an early age that people leave, lie, steal, cheat, manipulate, and let you down.. No matter who they are or what their title is in your life. For years I wondered why me; but now.. I know.

I found myself while I was waiting for you. I made it by myself, someone took your place and taught me how to love, showed me a kindness I don't quite think you've found yet. I don't expect to see you in my future, for the big moments or the little ones. My kids will never know you, nor their kids after that, you won't get Christmas cards or Celebratory Invitations.

I forgive you, but I'll never forget the pain I went through, and the time you lost because you were off with someone else not caring about the one child who wanted anything to do with you.

That opportunity is gone..

Who I am is because I realized I never needed you. I just wanted you to know...

Dad..?

... I won't be looking for you, not anymore.