Creepypasta Critique

Clockwork

>>>Trigger warning for sexual abuse

Clockwork, created by Delucat (Correct me if I'm wrong), Is such a bad story it was removed from the Fandom Wiki and now resides in the Trollpasta Wiki, here:

http://trollpasta.wikia.com/wiki/Clockwork:_Your_Time_Is_Up

Clockwork was supposed to be characterized as a small, mild mannered girl who went insane after being put through the abuse of her family. The fandom has turned her into something much better, giving her a more aggresive and impulsive personality that I think suits her better.

I'm gonna be honest with y'all. I hate clockwork, and I hate her story. I remember when I first read it, I stopped halfway through. I haven't looked at it since. The fandom managed to help save Clockwork, and at the very least I can read a story about her without wanting to die.

And now I'm back, bitches, ready to face my worst nightmare- a badly written story.

I'm doing this for you.

Let's start:

A little girl sat in her room. Her messy brown hair were put into little pigtails, as her hazel eyes stared at the door. She hugged her stuffed giraffe close to her little body, and listened closely to the loud yells of her father and mother.

Didn't she have green eyes? Whatever.

The door was violently opened, and in the doorway stood her large, angry, overweight father.In one of his meaty hands, he held a large textbook.

"David, stop it!" Screamed her mother.

But the father ignored his wife's pleading cries. He grabbed the little girl by the collar, and she screamed and kicked, trembling and shaking in fear. The girls father harshly held up the textbook.

"This is for drawing on my fucking walls,you little bitch!"

I mean, at least the author understands show don't tell. From here, we get a shit ton of info on the family and the relationship between everyone. It's attention getting, we want to see what happens next!

Years later, the little girl, known as Natalie, was now 9 years old. Going through the stage of puberty, she was naturally a little chubby. Like the usual, she sat in her room, watching TV. Her dad was ranting on about some economic crap that she really could give less a shit about, as she munched on some popcorn.

Wait, 9? How young was she when it happened? And who goes through puberty at fucking 9? I mean, mentration can happen at that age, but why mention it? And as a side note, the narrator's swearing disrupts the story's tone.

She was also currently drawing a picture. There was a bit of gore in it, but strangely, she really liked drawing blood. It gave her some weird satisfaction. Other than that,multitasking was no problem for her. It became apparent to her at a young age, after having to do so much hard work and labor,that she was able to do so many things at once.

The fuckity fuck is happening in this paragraph? Why does drawing blood give her...satisfaction of all feelings? And you just, move on? Like that's not some huge detail that needs explaining?

Also, why are you talking about how good she is at eating popcorn, watching a movie, and drawing at the same time like it's some sort of talent? What kind of hard work and labor is a 9 year old possibly doing? Anyway, so her brother comes in:

He trained his eyes on her. she frowned slightly, growing impatient with her brother interrupting her movie and drawing.

"What." He moved a little closer, "You said you wanted to be cool, and grow up like a teenager, right?" She nodded, slightly brightened up suddenly.