Creepypasta Critique

Jane Richardson

Surprised I'm not starting with the Infamous Jeff the Killer?

Don't worry, We'll get that mess of a story soon. For now though, I want to focus on this gorgeous disaster of a woman, Jane the Killer.

The Jane I'm focusing on today is Jane Richardson, created by Mr.AngryDog. This Jane is my favorite, which is why I must drag her story through the mud.

http://creepypasta-land.wikia.com/wiki/Born_of_Science:_The_Birth_of_Jane_the_Killer

[ Link to Story Above in case anyone wants to read it beforehand]

Ok, let's start:

2002 was never a good year for Jane Richardson. Losing both of her parents to Jeff the Killer, tackling a job at IHOP as a waitress, with barely enough money to get by on, and being both mother and father to her little sister Jessie, who was 13 years old during that time. Jane's aunt Samantha Engle graciously helped out her nieces are far as money was concerned, so it wasn't a total loss for Jane. After all, Samantha was Paula's sister, and after her death, Samantha felt it was right to take care of her sister's daughters.

Already we have a slight problem. Pointing out the year is a small nitpick, but it dates the story, and thus, as the years drag on, it'll be left behind. Another thing, the whole, "My parents are dead" thing came really quickly. What did the loss feel like? How long has it been since they died? How did the sister take the loss? In fact, how old is Jane? Old enough to live on her own, right? Was she living with her parents when they were murdered?

Some of those questions probably don't need to be answered, we can't expect to know everything about their life after all, but shouldn't we at least get a hint of what Jane is feeling? How are we supposed to believe that this girl is going to murder Jeff the killer when we can't even tell if she's sad about her own parents deaths???

How about something like this, instead:

"[Insert month] was never a good time for Jane Richardson. That was when she lost both of her parents to an infamous murder, known by the alias Jeff the Killer. In fact, that entire year had been a struggle, having to get a job as a waitress on top of taking care of her 13 year old sister, Jessie. Jane had just turned 19, and while she could live on her own, her Aunt Samantha helped pay for the extra costs that came with another mouth to feed. It was a small relief that broke through the barrier of hatred and sorrow Jane had built after her parent's deaths."

There! Established emotions, age, and past in roughly the same amount of words! Let's skip ahead a little:

Jane and her friend worked on through the night until the atmosphere of this IHOP was calm, laid back, and less rushed. The lights of the shopping center where the restaurant was shined through the windows, random cars on the highway passed by in the distance, motorists who were looking for a bite to eat, getting off work, or going home sat the mood for this particularly lazy California night. KTLA News 5 was giving a report of the LAPD still pursuing Jeffrey Woods aka Jeff the Killer, the one responsible for the murder of Jane's parents. The police commissioner said that they were having a hard time catching the suspect and had to enlist the aid of the FBI, CIA, and Department of Justice in their manhunt. It would make Jane feel better to not only have Jeff captured, but wiped off the face of the earth entirely.

There's actually nothing wrong with this paragraph, I genuinely think it's well written and wanted to show you guys it. Skipping ahead again:

"Well-done, over-easy... Oh, I just wanted to let you know that we have a new pomegranate pancake syrup. Something I made." Jane replied, taking the man's order.

"Wow, that sounds like a winner. You made the syrup?" the man asked.

"Sure did." Jane said, cheerfully.