Autompne

thirteen

THIRTEEN

While Autumn was at her surgery, I tried to keep myself busy. It was going to take at least four hours, maybe more and I felt nervous the entire time. I paced back and forth in my own room, wondering how she was doing. I decided it'd be better if I went to Jessica and talked to her while Autumn was in surgery.

I made my way to Jessica's room and knocked softly on her door as to not freak her out like I always did. I heard Jessica call out a 'Who's there' as she shifted on her bed. I stepped into her room and walked closer to her bed.

"It's me, Jess," I said, smiling sadly.

"It can't be you, Finn, you didn't barge in here like you always do," she said. "Something's wrong, what is it?"

"I'm worried about Autumn," I sighed, taking a seat on her bed. "She's in surgery right now. She's getting a new heart."

"She'll be fine," she smiled. "Why are you so worried anyway?"

"I don't want to lose her," I said honestly because I didn't. I didn't want to lose her because it'd kill me—faster than my disorder would. "I really, really like her."

"Let's talk about something other than Autumn, yeah?" Jessica sat up in her bed and smiled softly. "If you don't think about her, you won't be worried. Problem fixed."

I nodded but quickly realized that she couldn't see me so I mumbled a 'yeah' and I was thankful for the change of subject. Jessica was right—I was overthinking it and worrying for no reason. I just needed a little distraction.

After exactly two hours, I left Jessica's room and headed to the cafeteria to grab something to eat. At the cafeteria, I sat with Paul, Savannah and Amanda. We talked for a bit and an hour later, I went to Tiffany—our therapist—and we talked a little bit. I mostly talked and she listened. I couldn't help but bring up Autumn and her surgery. Tiffany was also Autumn's therapist and she'd even tried to convince Autumn into joining group therapy but she didn't want to.

Four hours passed and Autumn was still in surgery which kind of worried me. I was in her room, waiting for the doctors to bring her back from surgery so I could see how she was doing. When they finally did, they asked me to leave her because she needed rest. The surgery had gone well and they were going to perform an ultrasound on her as soon as she woke up—which was when I could visit. I was an impatient person so the wait was painful to me. I wanted her to wake up right then and there and I wanted to talk to her, hear her voice and hold her.

When I received the news that Autumn was awake and the ultrasound was done, I rushed to her room and as soon as I caught sight of her, I seemed to immediately relax. She looked as beautiful as ever and I couldn't help but pull her in for a hug. The doctor and the nurses left us alone and I was thankful for that.

"How are you feeling?" I said, holding her hand in mine and moving my thumb over her skin in a circular motion.

"I'm okay," she laughed. "My heart isn't fucked up." I laughed at that, remembering when I told her about my symptoms and she told me about the guy who broke her heart. It was our first time staying up together all night talking.

"That's good," I smiled.

"We're gonna be fine," she realized, smiling to herself. But we weren't going to be fine. I was dying, we were never gonna be fine. I was going to be just another person in her life and eventually she was going to forget completely about me. That wasn't fine to me.

Suddenly, I felt a sudden rage take over me. I stood up, her hand falling from mine and walked over to a wall. My hands shot up to my head as I pulled my hair roughly. I punched the wall and screamed 'no' several times. I felt the same as I did when I first found out I was dying except I wasn't alone; I was with someone other than my mom and it scared me because I hated being vulnerable and weak. I had no idea what I was capable of because that rage was like a demon suddenly taking over me and controlling everything I did.

"Finn, what are you doing?" Autumn yelled in fear and I turned around to look at her. She was scared of me—I was a monster. She clutched her bed sheets tightly in her hand and stood there just staring at me as if someone had been shot right in front of her eyes. I didn't want to see her like that and more importantly I never wanted her to be scared of me again. I wasn't that monster she thought I was. It wasn't me—it was someone else. It couldn't be me.

I moved closer to Autumn and held both of her arms, shaking her softly then I said, "I need you to not be scared of me, please." Autumn cried, shaking slightly and I knew I was the only thing keeping her up.

"You're hurting me," she said, crying even harder. I looked down at my hands and she was right. I was hurting her, my hands were suffocating her arms and I quickly pulled away and my hands shot up once again to my hair, pulling harder at it.

What have I done?

I heard a loud thud and when I turned around, April was on the floor. It was like a switch was flipped and I went back to my normal self, rushing to her spot on the floor and helping her up. As I picked her up, she started shaking, causing me to let go. She fell on the floor once again and started shaking uncontrollably. The monitor that was connected to Autumn got louder, the beep sound was a lot faster. It was as though a truck was backing up and alerting everyone of its presence. Suddenly, the monitor changed its tone. Instead of fast beeps, it was constant. I called for the doctors and it was right then and there were everything started to move in slow motion. All I remembered seeing was two nurses shooing me out of the room and a doctor trying to revive Autumn.

Oh God, what have I done?

**

I saw movement across the room and hurried to where I'd been sitting for over an hour, waiting for Autumn to wake up. Her eyes fluttered open and I felt instantly relieved. She yawned, sitting up in her bed and adjusting to the light. When she turned to look at me, I froze because I didn't know what to say or do.

"It's me this time," I whispered softly. She scooted a little bit, making space for me on the bed and patted that empty space. I jumped on the bed and lay down next to her, not quite looking at her eyes. "I'm sorry for what I did back there, I don't want to hurt you but I can't control this. In fact, I should not be sitting here, I could hurt you." I started to get up but she quickly pulled me down, causing me to return to my older position.

"Frankly, I don't give a fuck," she deadpanned, shifting around to try and get comfortable. She sank into the blanket and wrapped her arm around me. I held her closer and wrapped one arm around her back.

"Everything's my fault, I'm such an idiot," I muttered.

"No you're not, it's your disorder," she said. "That anger that took over you all of a sudden—that wasn't the Finn I know. It was someone else entirely different."

"It was still wrong," I said as she sat up and looked at me then she whispered, "Let it go."

But I couldn't let it go. I could've done anything to her. I could've seriously hurt her. I was dangerous when around people and I couldn't afford to lose her knowing that I could try and do something to stay away. I had to keep her at a distance until I could control it. I couldn't concentrate on all of that because she was twirling a piece of my hair around her finger. I couldn't help but gaze in awe at her beauty. She let go of my hair, stared into my eyes and leaned in to kiss me. I felt myself immediately relax.

"Better?" she said after she pulled away.

"Much better," I smiled and just like that she fell asleep in my arms.

I couldn't stay away.